Study: Men are clueless regarding women.

I generally interpreted friendliness as friendliness rather than flirtation, unless it was at a bar. I wouldn't have had my first serious girlfriend if my sister, who went to her school, hadn't said, "Chris wants you, you should go for it." A female friend alerted me to a similar situation when I was in my early 30s, but I knew I'd be leaving town as soon as I found a new job, so I couldn't really do anything about it except, without indicating why I was telling her, tell the woman in question what my plans were so she'd get the idea I wasn't a good choice. She's a bright lady and I didn't need to spell it out for her once I told her I didn't like my job and was looking to skip town ASAP.

Of course now that I'm married I treat any possible overtures, rare as they may be, as friendliness. If I think it's more than that, as I did recently when an acquaintance kept touching my forearm as we talked, I say something nice about my wife or ask her about her husband. That usually works.

 

It probably goes without saying, but when has that ever stopped me? I am awful at reading the signs. When a girl smiles at me, I've got no clue. When she sits on my lap, I've got ... and idea. If she touches my arm, I check for lint. If she puts her tongue in my face, I've got an idea. If she says, "I missed you at the party," I think she's just being nice. If she's cradling my boys, I've got an idea.

Subtly doesn't work on this guy, at not with the opposite sex. I get the subtle jokes and meanings. But, for whatever reason, something isn't connected in my brain when it comes to picking up what the women are putting down.

 

When you look like me, you just start assuming there is and will never again be non-verbal flirting. Any smile from a woman comes across to me as 'God bless the hideous little tree-stump-looking bastard, he's trying.'

 

Bullshit!

That Hooters waitress was definitely flirting with me and definitely wanted me.

 

The earth is round.
Steven A. Smith is annoying.
Stephen Curry is good.
Jager makes you stupid.
My editors suck.
Barry Bonds shoots.
John Daly drinks.
Benito Mussolini is still dead.
He's Chevy Chase, and you are not.

Next news flash please:

 

A few months into my relationship with Mrs. OOP, she and I went shopping. I go to the counter in one of the department stores to ask about a watch. I notice that the girl behind the atractive and nice enough, but don't really give her a second thought.

We walk away and five or 10 minutes later, it dawns on me that the future Mrs. is VERY quiet. She's fuming. I ask her why and she tells me that the girl was flirting with me. So, not only is she mad at the girl for flirting with her boyfriend in front of her. She's mad at her boyfriend because some other woman flirted with him. Never mind that I hadn't noticed the flirting at all, nor had I participated.

The ladies keep insisting that they already knew that we were clueless. If that's true, why do y'all act so surprised when we act like it?

 

Because they can.

 

It isn't the cluelessness that pisses us off. Lord knows, we're used to that. It's those special episodes of sheer idiocy that permeates our relationships like egg-salad farts.

 

Funny you should bring that up, Flasher...I'm boiling eggs as we speak...

 

Yeah, because we all know women are pillars of common sense.

Like when my wife asks me which dress she should wear then when I pick one she says, "but I think the other one is better."

Then why the fuck did you ask me to pick one?

 

Because we're clueless, so our pick would be autofail?