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Story on football player receiving academics/service award

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by smsu_scribe, Nov 15, 2008.

  1. smsu_scribe

    smsu_scribe Guest

    This will be in my college rag next week. Looking to improve it in any way that I can. This seems to be a fairly common story, writing about a player receiving an award, so I want to make it an interesting read. I probably should note that I'm limited to around 500 words. Thanks all.

    Reed Wins Glen Galligan Award

    Senior Tyler Reed knows what it means to be busy. An exercise science major who maintains a 3.59 GPA, Reed has been involved with numerous volunteer projects. Throughout college he has been a member of the SMSU Student Athlete Advisory Committee and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. He has worked with Mustang Movers, helping new students move into the dorms. Reed also reads to elementary students through Mustang Readers.
    Oh, and he’s also been the starting safety for the Mustangs football team since his freshman year.
    “It is a lot of work and I stay pretty busy,” said Reed. “Academics and football keep me very busy, but I try to do as much community service as possible, also.”
    Reed’s efforts in the classroom and community, along with his outstanding play, have earned him the 2008 NSIC Glen Galligan Award. The award is handed out annually to a football student-athlete in the NSIC who has participated at his school for four years, shown academic excellence and made a positive impact on his institution.
    Reed was thrilled to receive the prestigious award as his college years come to a close.
    “It was a really special way to end my career here at SMSU,” said Reed. “The Glen Galligan Award is a nice achievement for myself and also recognizes the institution.”
    Reed becomes the seventh SMSU student-athlete to receive the award, which was initiated in 1948 to honor a standout football player in the NSIC. Glen Galligan served as both an athletics director and football coach at Winona State University from 1927-’47. Last year, Mustang receiver Tyler Fischer won the award.
    One of Reed’s most notable volunteer projects came when he helped to set up a food drive for the local homeless and underprivileged.
    “I got together all the football players, along with a couple other guys, and assigned groups to areas of Marshall,” said Reed. “We went door to door and people were very generous, so we were able to get a lot of food for the pantry.”
    SMSU Head Football Coach Eric Eidsness felt the honor was well-merited.
    “This award shows the type of person that Tyler is, not only on the field of play, but off the field as well, and it couldn’t be given to a more deserving person,” said Eidsness.
    This season, Reed led the SMSU defense with 82 tackles and earned first-team All-NSIC South Division honors. He also was selected as the NSIC South Division Preseason Defensive Player of the Year.
    Reed knows that the satisfaction that comes from providing help to those in need isn’t reserved exclusively for football players.
    “Everyone should feel good about themselves when they do something for someone else,” said Reed. “It is very gratifying.”
     
  2. verbalkint

    verbalkint Member

    Scribe -

    My edits are in all caps. I did this pretty quick - couldn’t tell when your deadline is - so if some of it is unclear, PM me.

    Senior Tyler Reed knows what it means to be busy. (MAKE IT FASTER. “TYLER REED IS BUSY”, OR “A BUSY MAN.” OR MAYBE “YOU’RE NOT BUSY. TYLER REED IS BUSY.” TAKE OUT “SENIOR” - SNEAK IT IN SOMEWHERE LATER.) An exercise science major who maintains (SWITCH “WHO MAINTAINS” FOR “WITH”) a 3.59 GPA, Reed has been involved with numerous volunteer projects. (“NUMEROUS VOLUNTEER PROJECTS” IS WEAK - BETTER, AND MORE INTERESTING, TO JUST START NAMING THEM) Throughout college (DITCH “THROUGHOUT COLLEGE”) he has been a member of the SMSU Student Athlete Advisory Committee and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. He has worked with Mustang Movers, helping new students move into the dorms. Reed also reads to elementary students through Mustang Readers. (I THINK YOU’D GET GREATER EFFECT TRYING TO GET ALL HIS ACTIVITIES INTO ONE OR TWO SENTENCES. LET THE COMMAS PILE UP.)
    Oh, and he’s also been the starting safety for the Mustangs football team since his freshman year. (GOOD.)
    “It is a lot of work and I stay pretty busy,” said Reed. “Academics and football keep me very busy, but I try to do as much community service as possible, also.” (WEAK. YOUR FIRST LINE TOLD US HE’S BUSY, AND YOU JUST LISTED HIS GPA, SERVICE, AND FOOTBALL - THESE QUOTES AREN’T HELPING THE STORY. HOW MUCH DOES HE SLEEP AT NIGHT? DOES HE HAVE FRIENDS OR A GIRLFRIEND? WHILE STILL ADDRESSING HIS BUSINESS, TRY TO TAKE IT IN ANOTHER DIRECTION WITH THIS QUOTE. EVEN SOMETHING LIKE, ‘“I’m always tired,” Reed said.’ IS BETTER THAN HIM TELLING US WHAT YOU JUST SHOWED US.)
    Reed’s efforts in the classroom and community, along with his outstanding play (WEAK - WHAT’S HE DO? 5 PICKS? 50 TACKLES? OTHERWISE YOU NEED A QUOTE FROM A COACH OR OTHER PLAYER), have earned him the 2008 NSIC Glen Galligan Award. The award is handed out annually to a football student-athlete in the NSIC who has participated (PLAYED A SPORT?) at his school for four years, shown academic excellence and made a positive impact on his institution.
    Reed was thrilled to receive the prestigious award as his college years come to a close. (BLAH. IF YOU CAN’T BRIDGE NEATLY TO THE QUOTE - AND IN THIS CASE I’M NOT SURE YOU NEED TO - DON’T FORCE AN INTRODUCTION.)
    “It was a really special way to end my career here at SMSU,” said Reed. “The Glen Galligan Award is a nice achievement for myself and also recognizes the institution.” (OOF. NEED SOME MORE COLOR FROM THIS KID. I CAN ONLY THINK AN ANSWER LIKE THIS COMES FROM A QUESTION LIKE “HOW DOES IT FEEL TO…” MAYBE ASK HIM IF HE’D HEARD OF THE AWARD BEFORE, IF HE’S WON ANYTHING ELSE, OR IF HE EVEN WANTS ATTENTION FOR THE COMMUNITY SERVICE HE’S DONE. OR JUST GET HIM DRUNK.)
    Reed becomes the seventh SMSU student-athlete to receive the award, which was initiated in 1948 to honor a standout football player in the NSIC. Glen Galligan served as both an athletics director and football coach at Winona State University from 1927-’47 (APOSTROPHE NECESSARY?). Last year, Mustang receiver Tyler Fischer won the award.
    One of Reed’s most notable volunteer projects came when he helped to set up a food drive for the local homeless and underprivileged.
    “I got together all the football players, along with a couple other guys, and assigned groups to areas of Marshall,” said Reed. “We went door to door and people were very generous, so we were able to get a lot of food for the pantry.” (GREAT STORY, BUT IT COULD EASILY BE RETOLD IN YOUR OWN WORDS, FOLLOWED BY A SINGLE QUOTE FROM HIM ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE. OR, EVEN BETTER, A QUOTE FROM ANOTHER SOURCE, LIKE ANOTHER PLAYER, ABOUT REED ORGANIZING IT.)
    SMSU Head Football Coach Eric Eidsness felt the honor was well-merited. (EH, AGAIN WITH THE INTRO - SEE IF YOU CAN PULL SOMETHING ELSE FROM YOUR INTERVIEW WITH HIM THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD QUOTE, THEN TURN THAT INTO AN INTRO IN YOUR OWN WORDS. [“… Eidsness said Reed’s off-the-field activities have never affected him in practice or in games.”] THAT WAY, YOU’RE SNEAKING IN MORE INFORMATION, RATHER THAN INTRODUCING YOUR QUOTE BY EXPLAINING WHAT IT’S GOING TO TELL US, THEREBY KILLING IT’S IMPACT.)
    “This award shows the type of person that Tyler is, not only on the field of play, but off the field as well, and it couldn’t be given to a more deserving person,” said Eidsness.
    This season, Reed led the SMSU defense with 82 tackles and earned first-team All-NSIC South Division honors. He also was selected as the NSIC South Division Preseason Defensive Player of the Year. (OKAY, THERE ARE THE ACCOLADES. MIGHT NOT HURT TO PUSH THEM CLOSER TO THE TOP.)
    Reed knows that the satisfaction that comes from providing help to those in need isn’t reserved exclusively for football players.
    “Everyone should feel good about themselves when they do something for someone else,” said Reed. “It is very gratifying.”

    - Okay, here’s what I’m thinking. This story’s okay, and I understand you don’t have much room to work with. That means you need constant details and colorful language. At 500 or so words, you can’t afford to waste a single sentence. Go through each line and ask, “Do I need this?” Look at your notes, or look back at game stories or other features written about him -- are there details about this kid that should be in this story? Among other things, I have no idea what he looks like. Did he have a standout game this year?

    - The kid seems to have trouble - as is understandable - talking about his community service. Call up one of the groups he works with. Unlike the kid himself, they have NO reason to be humble for him, and might give you a good anecdote or laudatory quote.

    - One interesting thing to note: with that many tackles, I’m going to guess he’s a strong safety, and maybe a big hitter. There’s a big disconnect between the “Get in his grill!” and “Jacked UP!” stuff of run-stopping defenders, and the gentle, caring nature of people addicted to community service. Can you show those two sides?

    All right, that’s what I got. Hope you see it in time, and that it helped. Stop back any time.

    - verbal
     
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