Steamed hams!

Homer: Kids. Kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?

Homer: He sold poisoned milk to school children.

 

Homer!

 

Jerry: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
Bookman: You got any coffee?
Jerry: Coffee?
Bookman: Yeah. Coffee.
Jerry: No, I don't drink coffee.
Bookman: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?
Jerry: No, I don't have ...
Bookman: You don't have any instant coffee?
Jerry: Well, I don't normally ...
Bookman: Who doesn't have instant coffee?
Jerry: I don't.
Bookman: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.
Jerry: Really? I'll have to remember that.
Bookman: You took this book out in 1971.
Jerry: Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
Bookman: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.
Jerry: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
Bookman: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
Jerry: I try.
Bookman: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Bookman: I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
Jerry: Certainly not.
Bookman: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or: maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!

 

To go back to the episode that started this thread, I heard on the commentary that there was talk back then that the episode was the blueprint for a spin-off just called "Springfield" with the main action coming like it was in that episode. I think it would have been just as popular.

 

Dammit Mike, I thought you were on the Simpsons side here.



Apu: You see, whether igloo, hut, or lean-to, or a geodesic
dome, There's no structure I have been to, which I'd
rather call my home.

When I first arrived, you were all such jerks,
But now I've come to looooooove your quirks.

Maggie with her eyes so bright,
Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright,
Lisa can philosophise, Bart's adept at spinning lies,
Homer's a delightful fella, sorry 'bout the salmonella.
Homer: Heh heh, that's OK.

Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Now here comes the tricky part.
Oh, won't you rhyme with me?
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are stick-E-Mart,
Lisa: They made Dad sick-E-Mart,
Bart: Let's hurl a brick-E-Mart,
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'oh!

OFF: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...[held for next three lines]
OFF: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart,
Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart,
Who needs the Kwik-E-mart?

 

Your honor, I have plenty of hearsay and conjecture, and those are... kinds... of evidence.

 

I'm on neither side, Hank. Though, given the choice, it's Seinfeld all the way.


Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad ... uh ... let's see ... poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza?
Homer: Oh, no! I'm not making two stops!

 

Mr. Largo: Miss Simpson? Do you find something funny about the word tromboner?
Sherri: She was looking at Nelson!
Kids: [taunting] Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Kids: [taunting] Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey: He does not!
Kids: [taunting] Janey likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Kids: [taunting] Uter likes Milhouse!
Mr. Largo: Nobody likes Milhouse!

 

Blasphemer! I cast you out of the Simpsons Cool Kids, and curse you to wander teh interwebs!

You are banned from this historical society! And your children! And your children's children!

For two weeks.

Thus, all has developed as the Beans have forseen.

 

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Homer, eating in bed: I hope they catch his hatless butt.

 

Oh, man.