Steamed hams!

Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening.

 

If we're doing our favorite Seinfeld/Simpsons exchanges, here's one.

Kramer : Hey you got it.

Jerry : What happened to my stereo ? It's all smashed up.

Kramer : That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I
insured it for $400.

Jerry : But you were supposed to get me a refund.

Kramer : You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.

Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo ?

Kramer : It's just a write off for them.

Jerry : How is it a write off?

Kramer : They just write it off.

Jerry : Write it off what?

Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything.

Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is.

Kramer : Do you?

Jerry : No. I don't.

Kramer : But they do, and they're the ones writing it off.

 

That was on last night, and I laughed and laughed and laughed. Always do.

 

(Doorbell rings)

SUSAN: Excuse me. (Answer the door. It's her doorman, Raymond, carrying a burnt box) Hello, Raymond.

RAYMOND: Ah, yes, the man from the insurance company dropped this off this morning. He said it was the only thing left from the remains of the fire.

SUSAN: (Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As the doorman leaves, she turns to Jerry and George) Wow, I've never seen this before.. (Opens the charred box) Oh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here.

GEORGE: Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan takes out a few letters)

SUSAN: From.. (Trying to read one) from John Cheever.

JERRY AND GEORGE: Oh, wow.

SUSAN: (Chuckles as she opens up one of the letters. She reads it) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my.. orgasm (She now has everyone's attention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan is still concentrating on the notes) I love you madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin." (George nods, and Jerry gives a "Oh, of course" reaction)

(A long pause)

GEORGE: Well, we.. we, we, ah..

JERRY: (Looking at his watch ) Yeah..

GEORGE: We really should be, uh, heading out..

JERRY: Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the time.

GEORGE: You know, the time..

(Susan's father is now standing in the hallway)

MR. ROSS: The box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing the box away from him, then the letters from Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme that! (Now holding them against his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?!

MRS. ROSS: (Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?!

SARA: (Yelling out) I knew it!

MRS. ROSS: I want to know who John is!

RICKEY: John Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?!

MR. ROSS: (Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand.. (Slowly walks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems to be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George a signal that they should go)

GEORGE: Well, we really should be-

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates to miss the coming attractions.

JERRY: Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because of the.. (Slowly exiting) time.

GEORGE: yeah, time is what he's indicating there..

JERRY: (Waving good bye) We'll see ya.

GEORGE: Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone) onward and upward.

(Jerry grabs George, leaving)

(Scene ends)

 

"Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, A.A. meetings, beer nights..." It's wonderful, Marge! I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.

 

You went right to the big guns. I'm not sure I should enter this war, though, as I don't know which one I would pick.

 

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

 

I, for one, welcome our new alien overlords!

 

And Buck, take your fucking cheating, rigged Seinfeld poll out of here and back to ChrisL's basement. [/old school SportsJournalists.com]


Well Mr. Burns had done it,
The power plant had won it,
With Roger Clemens clucking all the while,
Mike Scioscia's tragic illness made us smile,
While Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the barroom tile...

We're talkin' softball...
From Maine to San Diego.
Talkin' softball...
Mattingly and Canseco.
Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw.
Steve Sax and his run-in with the law.
We're talkin' Homer... Ozzie and the Straw.

We're talkin' softball...
From Maine to San Diego.
Talkin' softball...
Mattingly and Canseco.
Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw.
Steve Sax and his run-in with the law.
We're talkin' Homer... Ozzie and the Straw.

 

Mattingly!

Shave those sideburns!

 

Simpson! Homer Simpson!
He's the greatest guy in history,
From the, town of Springfield!
He's about to hit a chestnut tree!
Waaaah!

 

Officer Eddie: (reading Steve Sax's license) Well well, Steve Sax, from New York City.
Officer Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York City and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve?
(Lou and Eddie laugh)
Steve Sax: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.
Officer Lou: You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Saxxy Boy?