Starting Over ...

Liesl, I've been praying for you since you came to me awhile back.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Divorce sucks.

But from talking to you on here, I can tell that you are one of the strongest people I know. Your daughter, niece and nephew and the rest of your family will be there. And so will a bunch of people here.

Just stay as strong as I know you are. And if you need anything, I'm here.

 

I'm so sorry, Liesl. This sucks, and we're here for you to lean on when you need us. We're good like that.

Also, there's no reason to lose your niece and nephew. I still talk to stepmother regularly, and she and my father have been divorced for almost 10 years now.

I'll second the folks who said rent for a while first and get a lawyer. Think things out before you make any major decisions, and make sure you're protected.

 

It will get better. In fact, it will be much better than it was before. One foot in front of the other will lead you out of the darkness.

You will be surprises as to how strong you really are.

 

Dear Liesl--You are so young....your best years ahead, and you are going to find out how wonderful life can be. So so so much better to start over than to settle for the dull roar of a weak marriage.

Cadet mentioned a lawyer...without a doubt, and get the best you can find. Now it's business. Forget about the sentimental value of what's in the china cabinet; it all seems manageable until you see your life reduced to numbers and lists spread across a conference room table. You can keep all the good memories without sacrificing the equity you've built up over 18 years.

Let people take care of you. When friends invite you out, go. When they ask you over for a holiday, go. If you have no plans and don't feel like sitting at home, call someone.

Your daughter will be okay. She has her whole life ahead, and so do you.

Good luck, and be good to yourself.

 

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about all this. Secondly, I come from a school of thought that believes in the old saying that home is where the heart is. It's not a physical place. It's a state of mind. That doesn't diminish how hard it will be to leave the place you've called home for so long, but try to find comfort in whatever your new surroundings will be.

Hopefully, what will happen is your niece and nephew decide that 18 years of love is worth more than whether or not the law considers you related to them by marriage. I have heard of stories where grandparents decide to maintain bonds with each other even when their children divorce.

And once, many years ago, when my father was considering breaking up with his partner, I said I was going to go live with the partner if that happened. And I'm 90 percent sure I would have. I just think I would be better off in that situation than living with someone who has bipolar disorder.

 

Good luck, Liesl.

If this is the bottom it's only going to get better from here. There are hurts now, but exciting adventures ahead, I'll bet.

You're not losing anything.

And since we're a bunch of journalists, don't expect a lot of sympathy about your alleged lack of marketable skills.

 

Lies,
Sorry to hear all this.

The Granny

 

Liesl, like so many others, I am sorry you have to go through this. Just remember you have a lot of people here ready to listen and help. You've already gotten some tremendous advice on this thread.

Cadet nailed priority No. 1 -- a good lawyer to protect your interests, whether the split has been amicable or not. Something in the story makes me think it has not, but I'm just taking an educated guess there. I have seen people who did not do this in a divorce and they have always been worse off for it later. It makes things easier on both of you if everything is settled legally than just what you two figure out on your own.

I agree with the others regarding your niece and nephew. Is your ex making it hard for you to be in touch with them? Just because the marriage is gone doesn't mean they are no longer your family. You have been a loving aunt to them. That doesn't just go away.

I have an aunt who became part of the family by marriage to my father's brother. I never stopped calling her my aunt. Never even considered it. She is family and always will be. No legal papers could change that and I suspect your niece and nephew feel the same way about you. Just make sure to tell them that you love them as much as ever.

Best of luck.

 

My folks are going through this process too. Mom filed papers earlier this summer after 20-some years.

I'm not sure that I have any advice for you in terms of how to approach your daughter about it, but if you wanna share stories/talk, PM me.

 

Everyone above me has said it perfectly. Just know we're here for ya.

 

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice. Right now I am just going to concentrate on literally putting on foot in front of the other and making it through another hour. And then another day.

The issue with the niece and nephew is their ages. She is 12 and he is 5. They live next door to us and seeing them with the frequency I do now really won't be an option once I move away. But you all are right in that I know I will still be able to see and visit with them, if in a different way.

As for the house situation, I am definitely renting. The only reason I'm looking to rent a house over an apartment is because if I got an apartment, I would also have to rent some type of office warehouse space. Renting a house will save me a lot of money in the long run. Besides, there is no bank out there that would loan me money to buy a house. I have almost no verifiable income in my name. As it is, my agent and I will have to do a little flashing of our baby-blues just to get me into a lease.

 

lies, drop me a line if you wanna just vent. seriously. I'm a solid receiver.

(and I don't mean to pry at all ... but why the hell isn't he looking for a new house? seems to be the thing a man would do, even in that type of situation.)