Soylent Green is people! So?

Had a 7-hour drive back home today from a road trip today. I was munching on some Wheat Thins and I couldn't help but notice how much Wheat Thins look like Soylent Green from the seminal early 70s Charlton Heston film.



Of course, the first thing that popped into my mind was Heston's legendary "Soylent Green Is People!" over-acting opus that ends that movie ...

But then I got to thinking.

"Soylent Green is people!" Heston exclaims.

Yeah. So fucking what?

I began to think of the moral implications of eating people in cracker form. Mind you, I did it in the framework of the dystopian (Did I have to look that word up? Hell yes I did!) world Heston's character lived in ... a burned out, dreary nightmare of an existence racked with pollution and overpopulation.

The current me wouldn't eat Soylent Green. Yuck. I have my box of Wheat Thins. I don't need that shit. And why are they green anyway? Aren't there other colors? Soylent Red? Soylent Black? Soylent Flesh for the organic food lovers?

In the context of that world, with an achingly hungry belly everyday of my life and nothing but misery as my companion, would I have any moral qualms about eating people in cracker form?

I'd like to say I would, but that's the me of our current worldview talking, which isn't a truthful parallel.

Bottom line, if I had to suffer privation as a part of my daily life, I probably wouldn't think twice about throwing down a few Soylent Greens. I'd probably celebrate every chance I got to eat Soylent Green. If they were bountiful enough, I might even toss a Soylent Green in the air and catch it in my mouth. I have no earthly idea what Soylent Green tastes like, but if they're anything like Ritz, I'd probably even spread some Kaukauna cheese on those bad boys. People crackers with cheese on them, why not? Live a little.

In fact, I'd venture to guess that nearly all of you would wolf you down some Soylent Green if given half the chance.

The more I thought about it, the more any moral obligation faded away. OK, OK, I don't like Soylent Green's production methods. Euthanizing people to turn them into crackers is not cool, not even in a dystopian world. Cruel? Sure, yeah, whatever. But really, it's just a stupid business practice.

I mean, they live in a dystopian world, these old people are going to die of their privations soon anyway, turn them into crackers at that point. Why be in a hurry to kill off your supply line?

But then, one might ask, what about when I got old and died? Would I want to be turned into Soylent Green and eaten?

The better question is why wouldn't you want to be Soylent Green?

What's the point of chucking me in the clay to be worm food? That serves no purpose. Why be their food when I can be your food. Plus, in a dystopian world, I'm not even sure there's space for cemeteries. For all I know, they'd just toss me in an incinerator.

What a waste. Send my corpse to the Soylent Green factory, let them work their cracker magic and cracker my ass up, and then I can help sustain my fellow man in cracker form. I might even taste really good, so good you might not need the cheese spread.

If you're interested one iota in your fellow man, it would be supremely selfish not to be Soylent Green-isized.

So suck it, Heston, I don't give a fuck if Soylent Green is people. I'm hungry. Pass the cheese spread.

 

SPOILERS!!!1!1!

 

Modestly.

 

Like a cheese cracker.

 

You can take my wheat thin out of my cold, dead hand.

Really, it would be kind of gross to have an old wheat thin in my hand at the funeral. So if I die with a wheat thin in my hand, please, take it away.

 

If you were eating Soylent Green, would you prefer to eat a cracker that used to be a good-looking person as opposed to an ugly person? I think I would, but I can't come up with reason that doesn't seem shallow.

 

Reminds me of this gem from Pineapple Express ...

Red: Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me, as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell. It's like, they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. I'm just a hermit crab changin' shells.
Dale Denton: Except if you're a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or a fuckin' anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be?
Red: Maybe the anal bead, depending on who it belongs to.
Dale Denton: Belongs to me.
Red: Then the dragon.

 

So what? I always assumed Swedish meatballs, German pretzels and Tex-Mex food were made with real Swedes, Germans and Texicans.

 

Is nobody gonna mention how awesome it is to behold Bubbler at his demented best?

 

I would eat the shit out of Soylent Green. I wouldn't even try to avoid it. Here's the fucked up thing: If you got an unlimited supply of cheese and an unlimited supply of Soylent Green, you could theoretically eat just the cheese and avoid eating people. But I wouldn't. No way.

The idea of cannibalism wouldn't stop me from eating my cheese and crackers like a cheese cracker. And if that was to be my diet, hell, I would probably start naming my crackers. It seems the humane thing to do. I wonder if unhealthy people taste better. Sedentary animals obviously do. But does cracker form negate the benefits of unused muscle and extra fat? I'd like to think not. I'd like to think skinny people taste more like like Saltines while fat people are puttin' on the Ritz, in my mouth.

And I would totally get a cheese ball with the chopped pecans around the outside and spread that on thick. I would, however, respect a Soylent Green's right to privacy and never make sandwiches. Frankly, I prefer my cheese crackers one at a time anyway. I don't want to become an "orgy guy."