Someone explain motorcycles to me

You want a powerful bike? This is a Boss Hoss, powered by a 350 V-8. Buddy of mine rode one; said it's a little sluggish starting out, but in the 120-140 mph range, it's a beast.

 

I'll explain motorcycles to you. They're noisy as fuck and their drivers feel the need to gun the engine at all times and think they own the road.

Fuck anyone who owns one.

 

Not all motorcycle owners are immature 17-year-olds.

Note to parents of teenagers: A liter-class sport bike is not an appropriate purchase for your child, no matter how cool he thinks it is.

 

Or mid-life crisis men who put loud pipes on their Harley and rev the engine at red lights to attract attention.

 

Yes, they're noisy, and that's by design. "Loud pipes save lives" is a popular patch I've seen at bike rallies. If you can't see a bike when you're in your car, at least you can hear it and be aware that it's around you somewhere.

My bike is loud, and I'm very aware of that. When I leave the house in the morning, I don't gun my engine. I roll my bike down the driveway to the street before I start it, thus minimizing the noise and echos that would occur in my garage and bother those in my house as well as the neighbors.

 

Doesn't work. All the loud noise is going behind the bike because ... well ... that happens to be where the exhaust outlets are. All it does is violate local noise ordinances and annoy the shit out of other drivers and riders.

 

Nope, sometimes they're old, fat and greasy!

 

trying to convince mrs. jps that it would be the appropriate gift for year no. 30. not getting all that far, but I'm working on it ... nothin fancy to start out. don't have the cash to go big, anyway. but something that's above a moped and below a fat boy -- though that's the one I'll eventually wind up with.

 

Take a rider's course before you buy; best thing I ever did. The local Harley shop offered it, though a few other places did too. Rode a Buell 500 in the course and then bought a Triumph 800 for my first bike. I'm looking for a bigger bike now.

 

Ever ridden? No? Go with about a 650cc-750cc model. You may find you never need anything else. The Kawasaki Versys is a damned good bike and does everything. So is Suzuki's SV650, but be picky about your dealer --- some Suzuki dealers are vastly better than others. In cruisers, take a look at the 50-cubic-inch (750cc) Suzuki Boulevard models; of those, I prefer the M50 (if I were buying a bike tomorrow, that would be my first choice). I'm tall enough that most sport bikes put me in a position with my kneecaps tucked into my armpits, so I tend to move right past them.

Be careful with Harleys -- many of them are overpriced, overweight and overstyled. Most of them have the speedometer on the fuel tank, where it's harder to check while you're riding. Can't recommend the Fat Boy for that reason. Sportster 1200s are interesting; the 1200 Custom makes as much power as you will ever need and will do about anything except offroading. The Super Glide (big twin) is underrated; might be one of the best bikes on the market. Honda makes some very good cruisers in its VTX line (1300cc and 1800cc models, although market forces appear to be killing off the 1800). If you stumble upon a leftover first-generation Kawasaki Concours, that was a damn good bike for the entire 20-year run. Yamaha's cruiser division (Star Motorcycles) has some damn good bikes and are nearly bulletproof. The V-Star 1300 is damn good. BMW makes good motorcycles which happen to be damned expensive. If you're thinking about a Ducati, consider the advice from the thoroughly unofficial Ducati Buyer's FAQ:

Buying tips: Shaft drive is good, belt drive is good, chain drive is a pain in the ass. So are some factory seats, for that matter. Speaking of seats, do not get the accessory gel seats ... sure, they're comfortable but they also get very hot in direct sunlight. Motorcycling's no fun if you're sitting on second-degree burns.

It's a buyer's market right now. Most dealers have new unsold inventory going back to the 2006 model year --- some have so much unsold inventory that you should be able to get sexual favors from the owner's secretary as part of the deal.

EFI is better than carburetors these days -- start your bike, no choke to deal with, put it in gear, go. Less dealer maintenance, as well. Harley EFI requires premium gasoline because their engines have such high compression ratios that regular unleaded causes engine ping. When the salesman and the other guys at the dealership start talking about safety equipment, don't tune them out. Gloves and jackets are good because road rash hurts. A lot. And for a long damn time.

Full-face helmets are the way to go, at least in my opinion. If you want to know why, buy a cantaloupe at the grocery and (as you're driving down the road) throw it out the car window toward the road at a moderate angle. Splat! That's your head with no helmet and there's a better chance that you will wreck in town than on the highway. You can get a full-face lid that allows you to slide the entire face of the helmet out of the way; they're very nice. It's my belief that helmets with Snell certification tend to be less comfortable than helmets that "only" have DOT certification. Not sure why that is; possibly the strength of the foam lining the helmet contributes to that, but that's just my opinion and YMMV. Also, you can get an aftermarket gadget that oscillates the headlight's high and low beams in the daytime to get other drivers' attention. Highly recommended and legal in all 50 states plus (I think) Canada.

You'll almost certainly be required by law to get a motorcycle-specific endorsement on your driver's license, so go ahead and sign up for the Motorcycle Safety Foundation's Basic RiderCourse (5 hours classroom, 10 hours riding in a controlled environment, usually an empty parking lot). Consider taking the Experienced RiderCourse (actually three separate courses) within a year. And the American Motorcyclist Association is awesome. There are a lot of manufacturer- and model-specific clubs; the Honda Riders Club, Concours Owners Group and the Harley Owners' Group are three of the best.

 

I believe you're confusing "motorcycles" with "Harley Davidsons."

 

Ah, more rational thought from one of the board's dimmest bulbs.