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Soccer Feature

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by KevinmH9, Nov 22, 2007.

  1. KevinmH9

    KevinmH9 Active Member

    Hey everyone! I'm going to take advantage of this awesome opportunity and see how one of my feature stories matches up with the pros. Thanks!

    http://media.www.theclockonline.com/media/storage/paper569/news/2007/11/16/Sports/Psu-Mens.Soccer.Coming.Off.Of.A.Dissapointing.Season-3105706.shtml
     
    KevinmH9, Nov 22, 2007
    #1
  2. txscoop

    txscoop Member

    I'm not a pro, but here are some tips. Never use second person. And also, I think you took too long to introduce a source and use a quote.
     
    txscoop, Nov 23, 2007
    #2
  3. Stitch

    Stitch Active Member

    It needs some major copy editing. Misplaced commas, use said instead of commented, coach instead of head coach (unless you need to differentiate between a head coach and an assistant), plus some awkward phrases.

    Produced havoc doesn't make sense (wreaking havoc would be better)
     
    Stitch, Nov 24, 2007
    #3
  4. reformedhack

    reformedhack Well-Known Member

    All of the above.

    Then there's that "dissapointing" headline, but that's for another thread on another board.
     
    reformedhack, Nov 24, 2007
    #4
  5. KevinmH9

    KevinmH9 Active Member

    Awesome. Thanks for the comments. I'll be sure to look out for this stuff in the future.

    I haven't written many feature stories as I'd like for the sport section. I'll hope to get some great experience in the future.
     
    KevinmH9, Nov 25, 2007
    #5
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