Small airports suck

I have arrived at the airport to fly back from a road trip.

Airline counter? Closed.

Car rental counter? Closed. Which sucks balls because I won't get my receipt right away.

It's not like I'm here five hours ahead of time either. My flight departs at 10:30 a.m. Sure security should be a snap, but so should this other shit.

Fuckers.

 

Hopefully the pilot isn't also the flight attendant. If he offers you a drink midway through the flight, tell him to get back to the steering wheel and leave you alone!

 

I once had to pick up a rental car on a Sunday at the Key West airport. Being Key West, I was still awake at 5:30 a.m. from the previous night and figured I might as well go pick up the car and get started on my ride home, which was a 7-hour trip.

I arrived to find that the only thing open was the airport restaurant. I inquired there and found that no one arrived at the airport proper until 7 a.m. There was nothing I could do but waste an hour-plus, even though all I wanted to do was either start heading home or sleep. Unable to do either, I ordered some sort of omelette and angrily ate it. I suck at passing the time, so my meal took me all of 15 minutes to finish from the time I ordered it. I still had an hour to waste and I could barely keep my eyes open.

I had noticed when I got there that there were no lights on and no people in the "terminal," so when I finished my shitty breakfast, I walked over and laid across three or four seats. It was about as comfortable as you would expect, but I desperately needed to get some sleep -- even if it was only a quick nap -- before hopping in a car for 7 hours.

After about 10 minutes, I finally started to doze. Then I felt a tap on my foot. I looked up, groggily, to see some sort of airport personnel type. It was a security guard, who said, "You can't sleep here."

I was too tired to be pissed, so, without saying a word (out loud), I dragged my ass off the seats and just walked away. I eventually ambled over to the car rental counter and noticed a woman standing behind it. I walked up and was told, "We don't open for another 45 minutes." I explained my situation, but she was unmoved. My guess is that she has heard plenty of similar stories working the early shift at the Key West airport.

Out of options, I ended up sitting in one of the seats directly across from the car rental counter staring at the clock behind it. Every few minutes, I'd get up and wander around to prevent passing out and likely getting kicked out.

As soon as the clock hit "7:00," I stumbled over and took care of all the paperwork. By the time that was all finished, I had worked up enough energy to be pissed again, and I stormed out of the airport to the rental car parking lot. Even though the sun had come out minutes before, it was still in the upper 80s. I got in the car, turned the key and thought, "There is no fucking way I can drive right now. I HAVE to sleep." So, I did. I crawled in the back seat and was out in minutes.

About 90 minutes later, I woke up. I raised my head and was blinded by the sunlight. I looked down and my shirt was drenched. Completely soaked. I got in the front seat and turned the car on. The dash monitor said it was "93" outside. That means it was probably 110 inside. So I sat there for a minute or so, covered in sweat and feeling like three-day-old pizza crust.

I let out a string of expletives, put the car in gear and drove away.

It's a whole other story, but the 7-hour trip lasted more than 9 hours and included a nap at a random gas station on the way and $50 cab ride to get my car after finally dropping the rental off.

And then, when I finally arrived home, almost three hours late, I had to go to work.

 

That story was almost as bad as the history of Chicago Bears quarterbacks.

 

I will say this, the TSA at the airport in Missoula was more thorough and ornery than any agents I've run into in places like Washington or Atlanta. The only place I've ever had to go through the full body screen was in Missoula. Must be the unibomber factor.

 

It reminded me of a Paul Harvey story, except there was no kicker at the end.

"And do you know what that security guard at the Key West airport was named? Shane Matthews. And now you know....the rest of the story!"

 

You taking off from the Beaumont Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center? /Ron White

 

At least it wasn't like in "Meet the Parents", when Stiller wants to board a plane, and the airline employee won't let him because he has a ticket for Row 9 and she only is allowing for Rows 1-8, even though there's nobody waiting around.

 

The old terminal in Pullman/Moscow was a cinderblock building, WWII era. One gate, one counter, one rental car desk. When I rented my car, she said, "Go out the back door, it's the Chevy on the left."

I will say the new terminal building is very nice. And you're less than 10 minutes from Martin Stadium or the Kibbie Dome/University Inn.

The Laramie airport reminds me of the old Pullman airport. But at least it's brick.

 

The Tunica airport is basically a corrugated shed.

 

Barrow, Alaska is the most remote airport I've ever been in. It's basically a metal building that reminded me of a small gym.

 

I was surprised by how small the airport terminal is at Long Beach, Calif.