Slow golf revisted

BYM2, you will never learn to hit a 6-iron on a golf course (channeling Lee Trevino). Hit the range every now and then and you'll get into the 80s.

 

Actually, I'm one of the few of my golfing friends that, not only keep a 3-iron in the bag, but can hit it effectively (like 180 yardsish). For whatever reason, that club always felt right in my hands.

Conversely, I played my first 18 of the year on Friday and didn't take the driver out once. Teed off with a 3-wood on par-4s and par-5s. That club and I have a sordid friendship. Some days we get along great. Other days I want to dump it in a lake. But my 3-wood? I can always rely on that club to give me a solid 200 yards (roughly) and put me at least near the fairway. And I've learned through over a decade of suck that I'd rather be 175 and straight than 200 and in the parking lot every day.

On yeah, if you're a suck golfer, play after 4 p.m. For starters, there's a discount at a lot of courses if you play in twilight. Additionally, most golfers tee up in the morning and afternoon and are home for dinner when you're arriving at the course. You can usually screw up and screw off as much as you like without irritating others.

 

I must admit, I'm a violator of many of the rules people have listed, but I can also play a round by myself in under three hours. I line up every putt like it is the masters because I'm spending my 30 or 40 bucks to try and improve every round and half-assing a 2 footer off the lip pisses me off far more than a duck hook OB. I replace my driver and putter cover every time I use them mainly because I spent 170 bucks on my putter and 250 on my driver and I'm not about to let them get scratched up.

But when it comes to etiquette and pace of play, I'm far more anal about that because I need to stay in a rhythm to play my best. When I play a round with my buddies who are both 120 golfers, I keep their suckiness moving at least. If it takes us more than 4:15 to play a round, to me that's unacceptable, even on the nicest of courses.

And for the record, I matched my best score yesterday with an 80. Have shot 80 6 times in the last 2 years but can't get to the 70s.

 

I think that the GPS makes it faster for me, especially on those courses where the system shows you where the other carts are.

I try to play fast, but I'm not going to spoil the enjoyment of my round just to rush through a round. Thinking up what you are going to do before it is your turn to hit, whether it be on the fairway or on the green is the biggest time saver.

I once played played with a father and son who talked about their strategy for each hole for about 3 minutes before they would tee off. Neither broke 100. Just painful.

 

Local muni has an interesting way of handling it. If a quiet word from a neighbor don't cut it, the names and times of certain foursomes are posted on the bulletin board.

Humiliation: the cure for slow golf.

And if that doesn't work, beer helps.

 

My peeve: Guys who play the wrong tees. Invariably, it happens with a foursome that's got one guy who's pretty good, and three bums. The one pretty good guy just can't bear to play 10 yards forward, dragging the bums back to the tips.

Best example: Awhile back, we were joined by a "scratch" single. We were at a course in which there are five tee boxes. I'm blessed enough to play the "advanced" tees with some consistency; that's the the second-furthest back. The scratch golfer, though - he's got to play from the "tournament" tees, which lengthens the course to 7,100 yards. It's 20 yards behind everything.

When you play from back there, you better know how to drive the ball 300 yards with great consistency, or be Tom Watson with a long iron. This guy plays OK - two pars and a bad-luck double - for three holes, then arrives at the 227-yard par 3 against the breeze. Playing it from 195 is hard enough.

So he hits a two-iron (extremely hard to control) and pulls it, badly. Into the crap, OB. He's that kind of guy, so he tees up another. OB. Hitting five now. Bunker. Out in six Two-putts for…an eight.

Next hole, tight, 400-yarder for me, 430 for him. Calls for control shot; tough hole. He picks driver, in the trees. Second shot stays in there. Doubles that hole.

Next hole is a par five, a great one, smashed up against a rail line. Very British. Double dogleg, 575 from the tips. He picks driver again. Pulls it OB. Takes six shots from there for a triple bogey eight.

So… +10, in three holes. Instead of just playing the shorter tees, the guy keeps at it for three more holes, plays those in four over, and promptly quits.

 

OK, I'm officially an old fogey.

I can't tell you how much the IDEA of using a GPS system in a game of golf offends me.

 

I think it's convenient if you have it, but I think part of the game is counting out your own yardage. And I know the whole counting thing increases time of play, but most of us play enough that we can give a solid guess.

 

Half the time the GPS is wrong. I've sat in a cart with another cart two feet from me and the yardage sometimes differs by 10 yards or more.

 

No shit. If you need GPS for a round of golf, why not just stay home and play the Tiger Woods video game version?