Slow golf revisted

I have no problem with any golfer -- so long as they keep moving forward.

 

Dead-on nails, every syllable.

One thing you all forgot, however, are the 20-handicap assclowns who feel the need to play the course from the tips, because they "want to see the entire course."

They will... and it will take them (and you, if you're unlucky enough to be behind them) 5 1/2 hours. Inexcusable.

One of the most enjoyable rounds I ever played came in Michigan. Played 18 holes on a beautiful summer morning in 2 hours, 50 minutes. And it wasn't like I was playing speed golf; I still shot 90, with a 42 back-nine.

I'm a 17 and unless it's an executive course that maxes out at around 6,000 yards, I'm playing the whites. There's no reason to torture myself or anyone else.

As I tell people, I may suck, but at least I suck fast. ;D

 

I haven't been golfing in ages, but I recall the polite thing to do was let a twosome play through if your foursome was moving slow - as ours typically did, made slower by the alcohol consumed.

 

Waved at a ranger one time a couple years back trying to get him to come over so we could tell him the group in front of us had already hit about six shots each and were only about halfway down the fairway. These people shouldn't have been allowed on a putt-putt course. Ranger gave me a big smile, waved back and kept driving. They don't have the balls to confront people.

 

A friend and I took our 8-year-olds out on the local crappy 9-hole course where 290 is the longest hole. We play ready golf and are teaching it to our kids, and part of etiquette is us moving to the side to let anyone approaching play through.

So on the 8th tee, we allow Joe and John College to play through. Joe hits first, but John is talking on his cell phone. Instead of putting the phone down for a sec and hitting, he stands there. And stands there. And stands there. "Uh-huh" is the only thing he says.

Finally, after a solid three minutes, my buddy's had enough. "Dude, unless you're doing confession with the Pope, hit the ball."

A minute later, he closes his phone and explains it was his boss and he couldn't tell him he was on the golf course.

 

Mercifully, some clubs (mostly private) ban cell phone use anywhere on the property: course, clubhouse, locker room.

I'm an absolute elitist when it comes to playing golf.

Learn the rules and golf course etiquette. Otherwise you come off as a hick from the sticks.

 

Any course owned by those pigs at American Golf is a sure tipoff that marathon golf is in the offing. These guys will cram entire stadiums onto courses with no regard for the experience of those already wedged onto the course.

Once played an American Golf course in Pomona. Took us 3 1/2 hours to play 9 holes -- on a Friday morning, mind you. We got to the 15th hole and had to call it a day, because me and my cohort had to cover football games that night.

The marshals? Useless as tits on a tree.

Assclowns.

 

Speaking of hackers, if you want to play the Old Course at St. Andrews you have to have a certain level of competence

I think the minimum is a 24 handicap for men and you have to provide a current handicap card.

 

And I hope you still have to hire a caddy, too.

 

I think caddies are optional.

My first job as a kid was a caddy at our local private club. Did it for about four years from the time I was 10 or 11.

If you wanted to go from a "B" caddy to an "A", you had to do a round for the club pro who was a miserable SOB.

I was never so nervous in my life and on about the third hole, a 400 something par four, he asked me to club him on his second shot.

Mercifully I was right but Jesus those 18 holes as a 12 year old were tougher than any job interview I ever had.

 

Before I begin, allow me to post my golf credentials:

* - self-taught and have been playing since 1996 when I bought a set of Lynx irons and woods half-off from a Golf Digest Edwin Watts ad. So, with store bought clubs and a homemade swing I set out on an illustrious career of sucking ass and not coming anywhere near breaking 100 until 2004 when I shot a 97. Since then I average in the 90s.

* - I don't practice. Ever. Last time I checked I worked in journalism, which means money is limited. If I have $15 and my choices are range balls or 9 holes I take the nine every time. You can't learn golf on an astroturf mat tryin' to hit some poor smackoff in a ball-catching cart. But you can learn course management on an actual course.

So, this being said, I've spent a lot of time sucking on golf courses and occasionally holding people up. Best thing you can do is, I've found:

1.) Glance behind you on every green. If you have people on the fairway, waiting on your sucking ass, on more than two consecutive holes, waive 'em through. It's amazing to me how many people have NO IDEA that there are people behind them.

2.) If you suck, suck quickly. If you average three to four putts per green, bending down and looking at the green and plum-bobbing for three minutes isn't gonna' help you cut down on that. That shit's for GOOD golfers, which you aren't. If its a long putt, look to lag it close for a tap in. Your chances of sinking a 30 footer or longer are minute. I repeat: YOUR CHANCES OF SINKING A 30 FOOTER ARE MINUTE. And if you do, it's not skill, you got lucky.

3.) Its a golf cart, not a limousine service. If you hit your ball in the right rough, and your buddy hit into the left rough, one of you take the cart and the other get out and actually....get this...WALK to your ball. Rather than play search and rescue on the left for five minutes, then do it again on the opposite side of the fairway.