SJ.com loosers rejoice: Night Ranger puts out new album

Because The Fixx is the band that sucks, right?

 

Philistine!

 

Motley Crue's new album dropped yesterday, too.

The Fixx's "One Thing Leads to Another," Eddy Grant's "Electric Avenue" and Todd Rundgren's "Bang on the Drum All Day" form a special musical trinity for me.

 

How "Jessie's Girl" was a bigger hit than "I've Done Everything For You" is a mystery to me.

 

Sammy Hagar did I've Done Everything for You first and better.

 

With a kickass lead single, to boot.

Yeah, that'll get me flamed. But it's not like I had any hip quotient to speak of!

 

I used to look up to you.

 

Don't patronize me.

It was a matter of necessity, being 4-foot-11.

 

Even still. I thought you were worth the neck cramp.

I guess I was wrong.

 

So's your face.

 

Walked right into that one.

 

The following is entirely, 100 percent true and makes me feel like Mikey has inhabited my soul.

As you no doubt know, NIGHT RANGER released its first album in 10 years Tuesday. And because I am old, and decidedly unhip, I decided I wanted to commemorate the occasion by--hold on to your hat--buying the actual album, err, CD in the store. Unfortunately, while chatting with my wife about this momentous milestone, I mentioned I'd seen a commercial on the Classic and that Wal-Mart would be stocking the album, err, CD.

She said she had a gift card to Wal-Mart from a return she'd made and that I could use it. I groaned to myself, figuring the irony Gods were having the last laugh after I made fun of Cletus buying the new Journey CD as well as Mountain Lightning a mere day earlier. But, nobody's rich these days, so we went to Wal-Mart...and I was not-so-secretly pleased when they said Tuesday's shipment of new CDs never arrived. What a shock, the recording industry is so dead it doesn't even ship CDs on time anymore.

So tonight, we went to Best Buy looking for it. But it was nowhere to be found, either in the Ns or among the new releases. An employee walked by and my wife--laughing and smiling, it must have been gas, she never laughs at me, outside of bed at least--asked if they had the new Night Ranger. The guy said he thought so, he would go and check to make sure.

My heart swelled with joy. I was finally going to get my hands on the new Night Ranger! Oh boy oh boy oh boy this is going to be a great night I can't wait to begin opening that...

My thoughts were interrupted by a bellowing voice. "WHO WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT THE NEW NIGHT RANGER?"

Why was my first thought to cower in a corner? We followed the voice and I said "That's me."

And out of nowhere appeared a man in the familiar blue Best Buy polo shirt who looked like this...............



................except a lot dorkier. And a lot louder.

"NIGHT RANGER? WHOSE FIRST ALBUM WAS DAWN PATROL IN 1983?" he bellows.

1982, I think to myself, but there's no way in hell I'm going to correct the guy. Oh my, I've found a Night Ranger fan who makes me look cool...and makes me re-think my favorite bands.

"FOLLOWED BY MIDNIGHT MADNESS IN 1984?" he bellows.

1983, I think to myself, but there's no way in hell I'm going to correct the guy. I'm already in survival mode: Yes him to death and get the hell out. I feel like the dorky guy who suddenly realizes, at a high school dance or something, that his friends are even dorkier than him, and that he has to disassociate himself from his friends if he wants to hold on to the shred of hope he has for ever being accepted by the cool kids. In other words: My life from September 1987 thru June 1991.

"FOLLOWED BY SEVEN WISHES AND BIG LIFE!" he bellows.

"Yeah yeah that's them," I say, cramming the rest of my pretzel into my mouth to keep from laughing hysterically and/or dying from embarrassment.

"YEAH MAN I JUST HEARD SOMEONE WAS LOOKING FOR THE NEW NIGHT RANGER AND I HAD TO COME OUT AND PROVE MY CREDIBILITY!"

"Awesome," I say, all the while thinking to myself he's proving something, that's for sure.

"OH YEAH AND THEN THEY DID THE THEME SONG TO THAT MOVIE THE SECRET OF MY SUCCESS IS I'M LIVING 25 HOURS A DAY!!!"

"Yeah yeah that's it," I say, and now I'm fearful that he's going to turn into Jeremy Piven attacking Campbell Scott in Singles. Except instead of raving over Steve's ability to mix Elvis Costello with Public Enemy while DJing, he's gonna start just randomly singing Night Ranger songs. SISTER CHRISTIAN OH THE TIME HAS COME COME COME COME WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES EYES EYES DO DO DO YOU DREAM DREAM ABOUT ME ME ME SENTIMENTAL STREET STREET STREET AND THE AVENUES...

"WELL WE DON'T HAVE THE NEW ALBUM!" he bellows. "WE RAN OUT OF IT!"

"I guess that's a good sign, ok, thanks we'll be..."

"ARE YOU A ZEBRA FAN TOO?"

Oh God, he wants to become a pen pal.

"They're OK but I don't have any of their albums," I say.

"OH MAN I REALLY LIKE ZEBRA. I ONLY HAVE LIKE ONE OR TWO NIGHT RANGER ALBUMS BUT I HAVE ALL OF ZEBRA'S ALBUMS. I LIKE THEM AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE NIGHT RANGER!"

Oh, I doubt that very much. "Yeah they're OK, I like them because they're local but they're not a favorite."

"OH YEAH I REALLY LOVE THEM THEY'RE GREAT."

Now my wife chimes in. "Well thanks for your help I guess we'll stop in next week."

"YEAH THAT'S A GOOD IDEA HOPEFULLY WE'LL HAVE IT BACK BY THEN!"

"Sounds good," I say, and we dart for the door.

It was her who said "That's as close as we'll ever come to seeing a real-life 40-year-old virgin."

I thought to myself that she she hasn't spent nearly enough time at SportsJournalists.com to know that for a fact.

Our night got even better--or worse--as we hit both Wal-Mart and Target, only to see no Night Ranger at all to be found. As we left Wal-Mart, she said "If an album is released and no one has it, is it released?" and as we left Target, she said "Face it: The only person in America who cares about Night Ranger is YOU."

"don't forget the guy at Best Buy," I said.

"I didn't," she said.

My life = abject fail. But at least I'm not a 40-year-old virgin who works at Best Buy and yells about Night Ranger. I mean, I'm not even 35 yet! Sigh.