Since no one goes to sporting events, what to do in Miami?

Look for Notre Dame's manhood.

 

Agreed on both counts. When I lived down there, both were on my tourist list. Only thing with Joe's is that the whole meal is pretty quick and they aren't super subtle about moving you along.

 

I've lived in South Florida for almost a decade now. We get a ton of visitors. Here are some of my families' favorites.

Pretty much everyone needs to go to South Beach. Even if you don't relish the idea of paying $18 for a weak Mojito or waiting in line for an hour and a half to get into a club and hopefully see a B-list celeb or six, the people watching on weekend nights is amazing. I also agree with the poster who suggested lunch at Versailles, the Cuban restaurant, which is pronounced "Ver-Sales" by the way. For a more low key beach experience, head to Key Biscayne, which is quiet, especially on weekdays. There's a lighthouse there that offers tours if you're into that kind of thing. It has limited hours, so Google it. The Hollywood boardwalk is much grittier than SoBe and has some good restaurants, good places to get a drink for more reasonable prices compared with SoBe. The Venetian Pool in Coral Gables is a hidden gem; it's where the original Tarzan movies were filmed. If you like to shop, you have to go to Sawgrass, the discount mall. There are a lot of jet ski rental places in somewhat off beat locations that are cheap and really cool - the ones in South Beach will cost you double or triple what you'll pay near my neck of the woods in Fort Lauderdale beach.

 

Unless you plan to go fishing or scuba diving, Key Largo sucks.
I cannot stress this enough.
On our honeymoon to Key West, we planned to drive back through the Keys (we flew out of Fort Lauderdale) and hit a few oddball attractions on the way. The plan was to get to Key Largo around dinner time, rest up, and have a short trip to the airport the next day.
Unfortunately, a tropical storm came through the Keys the day we drove back. We ended up in Key Largo around 1:30 p.m. instead of in the evening. The entire place shuts down for a few hours in mid-afternoon, there's little to nothing to do there for landlubbers, and we spent a godawful day watching the wind and rain from our balcony at the Marriott (which is a very lovely hotel).
To reiterate: Key Largo sucks.
If you're heading to the Keys, there's a lot better places to go. There's a place in Marathon, 20 minutes down the road, where you can swim with dolphins.

 

Go to the bar at the Clevelander Hotel.
It's at Ocean Drive and 10th Street.
Sit outside at the few tables right by the sidewalk.
Enjoy your drinks while you watch the sidewalk parade.
Plenty of eye candy every day and night by the pool bar, too.

http://www.clevelander.com/

 

I totally second that. Fun place.

 

Here's a tip ... when on South Beach, walk on the beachside sidewalk. The hosts/greeters at the various outdoor cafes across the street are particularly aggressive, trying to shove menus into your hands and wisk you into empty tables before you know what hits you.

 

True but Mango's is a cool place on that side of the street.

 

Runyon weeps.

 

Avoid places like Mango's, where they try to whisk you into a VIP room where you can enjoy bottle service -- otherwise known as paying $100 or $200 to have your own personal bottle of $20 liquor (!) delivered right to your table (!!!). For some reason, all the poseurs think it's swag to get hijacked like that.

For a really cool and relaxed South Florida beach experience, head 15 miles north of South Beach and hang out at Hollywood Beach. Plenty of food (including pizza), beach bars, ice cream and retail shops right along the broadwalk, and you can also rent a bike or roller blades there and cruise around. Great beach scene. Big parking garage.

 

Is that info on the Clevelander current? I haven't been to South Beach in the last eight or 10 years, but my last few memories of it are that it isn't worth the bother anymore.

The whole place changed so much after The Bird Cage. I was there in the early '90s when South Beach was actually struggling -- which made it a lot more fun if you were there and trying to find a parking spot and a place to chill out. Then I've been back since the boom and seen the massive crowds. Plus South Beach has a Fat Tuesday's now, which means it has fallen at least partly into the trap of homogenous suck.

Personally I always liked strolling Lincoln Road as much as anything actually on the beach.

 

The Clevelander is fine if you do what I do: Sit on the little deck above the sidewalk and watch the passing parade. It's a great show.all kinds of people walk by, including plenty of loonies.

If you want the bikini contests or the loud party scene, they are there, too. But you can sit apart from that crowd and just enjoy the view, too.