Simmons loses his Man Card -- permanently

Board favorite Bill Simmons lets his wife write his picks column today, and she proceeds to emasculate him the entire time.

Good times.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/071228

 

If she really wrote that, I say sign her up. That was better than half the in-depth analysis I've read lately.

 

Agreed. Far more interesting than the crap that usually wastes his band width

 

I think I'd actually read her work every week. That was fucking good.

 

He had a Man Card to start with, eh?

 

I think she's actually pretty funny. If you read her little sidebar the last few years that usually runs with Bill's column, this isn't much of a surprise.

 

Her "analysis" of the picks was funny enough. Her ripping him half the time made it all the better.

 

It's Simmons. Not his wife. Look at the sentence structure. Listen to the tone. He's just writing the way he would imagine his wife saying it. That said, I have enjoyed the Sports Gal's "writing," but I always suspected it was just Simmons doing a wife impression. Anyone who's been married for more than a week should realize that a spouse does not need to go on and on and on (hmmmmmm, there might be a clue there, dontcha think?) about their partner's foibles. Typically, a succinct observation gets the job done. Think about it. That's why "The Sports Gal's" worked well during the season. Because it was a short insert into the picks column. It didn't get exposed until carried out into the longer format. That said, I will admit to looking forward to seeing Simmons' wife's box every week.

 

My wife's rationale to a tee:

If it's an all-animal matchup, I always try to weigh that accordingly. Dolphins are cuddly and nice. I don't understand why any NFL team would wear aqua blue unis and call itself "The Dolphins," then not expect to get its butt kicked. They should go with the Spearfishers. I would have taken them if they were the Spearfishers.

My wife also picks any team that wears blue. If two "blue teams" play each other, she picks the "prettier blue."

EDIT: My wife also uses this one:
BRONCOS (+3) over Vikings
I'd rather visit Denver than Minnesota.

 

After last week's championship victory, I will proudly have our Stanley Cup-esque, keep-while-you're-champion trophy proudly displayed atop my television for at least one year ... and hopefully more.

It's a hideous trophy, too, something a college buddy's wife picked up a while back at a yard sale a while back. And it will have my name carved in with "2007 champion," and it will be glorious.

This is a pretty intense league, so I was going to put the trophy on my kitchen table underneath a sign that said, "Where Champions Dine." But then my girlfriend said she wouldn't touch me, so I'm going to put the trophy on the TV. It will, however, be prominently displayed. Yes, I will be that guy. I had never won this league.

So I understand the trophy thing...

 

You've got to take a stand somewhere, MC. I was once offered some money to eat something gross, and my then-girlfriend told me she wouldn't kiss me ever again if I ate it. But knowing it'd pay for dinner the next day, I took the bet -- and the hit. The next morning, she rolled over and kissed me. When I laughed, she asked why, and I reminded her. Sure, she was pissed, but what was done was done.

People eventually forget the harsh ultimatums. So I say let that championship trophy shine brightly on the kitchen table.