Simmons' latest ...

dude, i know...

they should just sell nothing but root beer Bottle Caps.

 

Unbelievable that he spent that long talking about the fucking Wire. When I got to that part, I started to skip ahead (partially because of the spoiler warning and partially because I figured since I'd never seen the show it wasn't going to matter) figuring he'd drop a sentence or two. Probably too much, but pretty standard for him. And each time I thought I had skipped far enough to avoid the Wire stuff, there was more. And more. And more.

Seriously, he must have some kind of clause in his contract about editors. Who could possibly read that and let him go on that long about the fucking Wire? It wasn't anything special before that, but it was at least intriguing (sorry, Piotr, at no point was worth of "honorable mention in BASW"). Then it went completely off the rails.

This story is the exact reason Simmons never became a journalist. He can talk all he wants about how he was kept out of the industry by stodgy writers at the Globe, but this was the reason he never became a serious journalist. He's incapable of adjusting his tone to a subject.

I'm someone who has read and enjoyed a lot of his stuff over the years (though the minute he moved to LA it was all downhill), largely because I wasn't reading his stuff looking for a journalist. I was reading it because it was funny. When he takes on a project like this, it shows that he's incapable of turning off his schtick and giving it a proper treatment.

Writing about Stephon Marbury and Isaiah? Give me all the pop culture and J-Bug references you want. Writing about a 17-year-old getting shot to death? Don't bring the fucking Wire into it because it's your favorite show.

I can only imagine if he had been in Dealey Plaza instead of someone like Dan Rather, Robert Baskin or Bob Jackson. He would have written about the "magic bullet theory" having an strange similarity to fucking "Bewitched."

 

I like Simmons. Always have. I think he carved out a good niche for himself and remember numerous times where I laughed out loud at his writing. Sometimes it's repetitive. Sometimes it's damn good.

That being said, yes, he screwed this one up.

Sections 1-3 aren't nearly as bad as some of you are making them out to be. But section 4 was brutal, unnecessary and completely forced.

I'm just wondering if he ended up so far out of his comfort zone with this story that he had to retreat to doing what he's used to doing.

 

Nerd ropes sound outrageous.

 

I couldn't even stomach the piece to get to The Wire references.
The very maddening structure of "you expected him (to do this), but he didn't" on the father's eulogy just irritated the living shit out of me.
And then "maybe" the kid thought this, that or the other thing ... hell, maybe he thought he ought to have a piece to show these fuckers and scare them the hell off.
The last four grafs were actually good - after The Wire references. I skipped to the end.
Also thought this was good: "The son dreamed of playing football in college and the NFL, then pursuing a second career as a sports agent. The father simply dreamed of seeing the son turn 18."
And Simmons actually got up and went to something other than the Super Bowl or Las Vegas, you know, like a real fucking journalist. For that, he gets a Tommy point.

 

Here's a pop culture reference to describe Simmons' work here:

Simmons writes articles the way that Mike Brady (in the movie, anyway) designs houses.

 

The Wire reference was unneeded and I'm surprised his editors allowed it through, but I guess he is Bill Simmons.

 

Eyes glazed over when I hit The Wire stuff (which I too have never watched and have no use for) and groped for the red X in the upper right hand corner shortly after that.

 

I'm not terribly troubled by the Wire reference or the poem. I don't agree with his rationale (people from the top - help us with money and cops!) but whatever.

ESPN is now fully engaged in the movie game. Time for Simmons to pony up, write a screenplay, and put his talent where his endless pop culture references are.

 

Alma --
If this happens, you are to blame.

 

No, no he doesn't. He went and sat in the back. Didn't talk to anyone. Didn't do anything close to anything a real journalist would do. Hey, I've got no problem if he wants to expand past his usual repertoire. But don't half-ass it. Do. The. Work.

 

Yep. The only reason he went to it was because it wasn't televised.