Sh*t my kid says

I don't remember this, but I've been told about it often. I was 3 and in my grandmother's backyard shooting baskets while she and my mom sat on the porch and watched. I guess I tried for about a half hour to get the ball up to the rim, but just wasn't strong enough yet, so finally I came back to the porch, plopped down said said "I'm done. I'm too goddamned tired to be inspired."

 

Our soon-to-be 4-year-old came home from preschool one day and told us about her best friend, Nia, not being there that day.

Me: Oh, do you think Nia was sick.
Daughter: Yes, I think so. I think her vomit is brown.
Wife: Why?
Daughter: Because Nia is brown.

(Yes, Nia is African-American.)

 

Our then 3 year old got into a phase where she started telling jokes, not sure why as nobody in the family is a big joke teller and she doesn't watch tons of tv.

We were sitting at the table for dinner and she blurted out "I can't see you I have a ball in my eye" My wife and I looked at each other sort of laughing and said "what?"

She replied with "I have a ball in my eye...GET IT, EYEBALL!" The whole "get it" part still cracks me up.

 

This one is not dirty, and wont compare to Paper Doll's anecdote. A couple weeks ago, while I was trying to come up with an excuse to stay in bed, my five year old daughter came into the room and asked for a roll of tape that was on my bedside table.

Me: Sure, hon. Why do you need it?
Her: I need it for my stickers.
Me: Why would you need tape for your stickers? They're, well, they're stickers.
Her: Because they're broken.

 

Puppies are cuter than children. Discuss.

 

You and IJAG will make a wonderful curmudgeonenly couple.

 

My platonic crush on you just grew even more.

Verse, not JC.

 

Platonic crushes are worthless.

Platonic is one of the words I hate the most in the English language. You hear "platonic" and immediately know "not getting any". Sigh.

The world would be a lot happier if women were a lot more giving. And then there is that whole March 14th thing.

Just think - there would probably be fewer wars.

Lennon should have added another stanza to Imagine to cover the important things that lead to peace.

 

I honestly believed that was true until I had one. A child, that is. Of course, he's still only one, so that will probably change by the time he's three.

 

I bet it won't.

 

To be fair, your kid is unbelievably cute.

 

I now have a platonic crush on HC.