Sh*t my kid says

CB's story and my horrendous asthma have combined to remind me that I'm literally not healthy enough to laugh like this.

 

This story requires a small set-up...

I have a fundamental problem with adults who will start a conversation with a 3 or 4 year old and ask the kid, "What do you want ot be when you grow up?" As if the kid could possibly have any relevant ideas on the subject...

So, I trained my older son to answer that meaninglelss question with an answer that was meaningless to him but would shock the adult. I taught him to answer by saying, "Transvestite." He learned his lesson well.

One day, I was at the supermarket with him in the cart seat and was somewhere down the aisle looking for some arcane item that my wife had on the list. A woman pushed her cart by the cart with my son in it and he said "Hi!". He was always a very verbal kid...

That started a conversation with the woman and just as I was about to return to the cart with the item I had found, I heard the woman say to my son, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

That is when my son ad-libbed: His answer - delivered just as I arrived back at the cart - was "Transvestite ... just like my Daddy."

 

One more if I may...

I was with my younger son (about age 11 at the time) and we were standing in line at one of the fast food joints waiting to give our orders. In the line next to ours was a LARGE woman - I would guess something north of 300 lbs.

This was before cell phones were commonplace but lots of people had pagers.

This LARGE woman had a pager and it went off with a "beep-beep-beep sound".

My son said, "Look out Dad, she's backing up."

 

Quick one: My 4-year-old nephew said to a total stranger a few months ago: "Do you want to see my penis?"

Now, my all-time favorite from my son. He must've been about 2. He hated eating fruits or vegetables. Growing foods, we called them. One day we got him to eat some peaches. That night, he's in the tub and suddenly gets a little erection, which startled him because he must not have noticed ever having one before.

He calls me.

"Daddy, my peepee grew because I ate peaches!"

 

Peaches was a stripper.

 

Nobody wants to see my vagina.

If I drink too much water before bed, my vagina gets full.

We take turns; I go first, and you go next.

 

I pitched this as a book idea shortly after my journalism career ended. I made it through two rounds of meetings and then they passed.

I have folders and folders of stuff my now-6-year-old has said.

 

This is much funnier if you read it without remembering what thread you're on.

 

I was going to quote it and say "This is supposed to be the thread for shit your kid says."

 

Binders of 6 year olds?

 

Holy shit ... Mizzou is a Catholic Priest!

 

That's picture-perfect.

I hope you bought your son an ice cream cone.