Scenes from the dentist's office

Just came back from the dentist, and although I've been a fairly good boy in the six months since my last cleaning, brushing religiously and flossing semi-regularly, there are always some painful moments.

The feeling that you're drowning in your own saliva, and even though the hygienist said you can close down on the suction straw any time, you feel kind of guilty doing it, like you're messing with her rhythm -- kind of like talking to someone who is writing on deadline.

The disgusting taste of the tooth polish, which leaves your mouth feeling as though you've eaten a stick of cherry Lip Smackers and a handful of sand for breakfast. Seriously, can I forgo the polishing?

Those damn cards from the X-rays slicing into your cheek while you wait for them to take the damn picture already.

But none of these discomforts compared to the most painful moment of this trip to the dentist.

I'm lying in the chair, plastic safety goggles every so slightly fogged up, a strange woman's hands in my mouth, when Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" comes over the radio. After the last song was some Gwen Stefani song I heard about 1,000 times too many last year, I think to myself, "Now we're talking."

And here comes the pain. It gets to my favorite part of the song, and I realize, "This woman's hands are in my mouth. How the fuck am I supposed to mouth the words, 'Well, I remember!'?" I can't. It hurts. Then comes the next verse, and I realize, "She's going to jam that damn pokey thing into my gums if I hit the solo on the air drums. Should I do it? Better not." So I don't. It hurts.

I know some of you will feel my pain. (I'm looking at you, Beej!)

 

Is it safe?

 

My favorite part is when they poke you in the gums, then say, "You should really brush your gums a little bit, so they won't bleed." Or we could not jab a metal hook into my gums. That'd be cool, too.

 

Barsuk,

Brushing every Easter and Christmas is not what the dentist means when he says you should brush religiously.

Next time, definitely sing, air drum and suck whenever you please. Not like they charge by the hour.

Anyway, it will learn them to be less chatty with patients. I hate how they ask casual questions when they're up to their elbow in your mouth.

"So, how's work?"

"Mmmmm. Gggsssjjjhh."

 

When I was a lot younger, I think 10, my dentist kept telling me to open wider. I couldn't. So he got frustrated, and while he was rooting around in my mouth, he pounded on my chest. And I threw up on him. Served the cocksucker right.

 

My child's orthodontist has a front desk attendant who is stunningly beautiful, with the most gorgeous breasts she shows off with low-cut blouses.

She has raven hair, dark skin and a pouty mouth that reminds me of a similarly-built chick I banged in high school.

I never threw up on the dentist. That's awesome. Serves him right.

 

Listening to Phil Collins is more painful than going to the dentist.

 

Dentists ain't shit. Try going to the orthodontist some time. I was blessed with braces from end of fifth grade until early ninth grade.

(Least) favorite memory? Easy. Hellga the overweight assistant was trying to fit the band bracket thing around one of my lower back teeth. She's putting all she has into it, using the orthodontic equivalent of needle-nose pliers.

When she's at maximum strain, forcing over 200-pounds worth of jiggly arm fat and lunch-lady size bosoms worth of pressure on my lower jaw, the pliers slip. All that bitch said after tearing trough my gum tissue was "Sorry."

Now, when I see the iron hook, I laugh. The dentist could fire that thing into my mouth 100 times and not hurt as much as I did that day at the orthodontist.

 

My 7-year old son goes in tomorrow for a pulpotonomy..(basically a root canal) and to have a tooth pulled that is blocking some other teeth from coming in.

I showed him this picture, to which he was not amused.

 

you're a bastard.

 

I hope she opens a beer and drinks it right in front of you, Chef.

 

You may be getting ripped off, Chef. According to every dentist I have ever dealt with regarding children/grandchildren, there is no logic to a root canal on a 7-year old. Those are baby teeth that will be lost from now until the last one is gone. Baby teeth don't need root canals. If he is pulling one, ask him about pulling that one. Sounds like he is just trying to make a few more $$$.