Saudi marriage expert: The proper way to beat your wife

Yet another reason why the mid-east is so screwed up.


From FoxNews
Move over, Dr. Phil, there's a new relationship expert in town.

He's Saudi author and cleric, "Dr." Muhammad Al-'Arifi, who in a remarkable segment broadcast on Saudi and Kuwaiti television in September, counseled young Muslim men on how to treat their wives.
"Admonish them – once, twice, three times, four times, ten times," he advised. "If this doesn't help, refuse to share their beds."
And if that doesn't work?
"Beat them," one of his three young advisees responded.
"That's right," Al-'Arifi said.
He goes on to calmly explain to the young men that hitting their future wives in the face is a no-no.
"Beating in the face is forbidden, even when it comes to animals," he explained. "Even if you want your camel or donkey to start walking, you are not allowed to beat it in the face. If this is true for animals, it is all the more true when it comes to humans. So beatings should be light and not in the face."His final words of wisdom?
"Woman, it has gone too far. I can't bear it anymore," he tells the men to tell their wives. "If he beats her, the beatings must be light and must not make her face ugly.
"He must beat her where it will not leave marks. He should not beat her on the hand... He should beat her in some places where it will not cause any damage. He should not beat her like he would beat an animal or a child -- slapping them right and left.
"Unfortunately, many husbands beat their wives only when they get mad, and when they start beating, it as if they are punching a wall – they beat with their hands, right and left, and sometimes use their feet. Brother, it is a human being you are beating. This is forbidden. He must not do this."
Take that, Match.com!

 

But you should only partake on Wife-Beating Wednesdays.

 

What about Spousal Smack-Down Sunday?

 

Old Egyptian proverb:

Man who beats wife on Friday night may wake up without a nutsack on Saturday morning.

 

So you think this is funny? As opposed to the headline thread on the journalism board?

 

By all means, avoid sleeping with them. That'll teach those treacherous women!

Wonder how most of our wives would respond to a threat like that.
Husband: "woman, if you don't clean up this house and if you don't stop rolling your eyes at me when I admonish you, I'm just going to stop putting out."
Wife: Rolling eyes. "Whatever."

 

I was always curious about the proper way to beat my wife. It turns out that I've been going about it all wrong. At least I know now.

 

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You've already told her twice.

 

That is bad.
Like the late great Sam Kinnison said, "I know what turns Mr. Hand into Mr. Fist."
For the record, I do not condone spouse abuse of any kind.

 

I, for one, hope Dr. Muhammad Al-'Arifi gets his 72 virgins in the afterlife -- and they beat the crap out of him.

 

Well, he did lay out instructions for doing it properly.