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Running dirty joke thread

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by PhilaYank36, May 23, 2007.

  1. zagoshe

    zagoshe Well-Known Member

    Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:

    "What is your name?" he asked.

    "John," the guy answered.

    "And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

    "I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.

    The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.

    "What's your name?" he asked.

    "John," the guy answered.

    "Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

    "I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.

    Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.

    "What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.

    "No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."
     
  2. HC

    HC Well-Known Member

    Two old women rocking on the front porch at Shady Acres:

    Martha: "Edna, do you remember the minuet?"

    Edna: "Martha, I don't remember the men I fucked!".
     
  3. PopeDirkBenedict

    PopeDirkBenedict Active Member

    Q: What do you call 40 guys chasing a homosexual?

    A: A Nextel Cup race.

    ***********************************

    There is a bear and a squirrel walking through the woods when they encounter a frog. The frog looks at them and says, "You are the first animals I have encountered, so I am going to grant each of you three wishes." The bear thinks for a moment and says, "I know what I want. I want all of the bears in this forest to be female bears." The frog says, "Your wish is granted" and the bear gets a shit-eating grin over all of the pussy he is going to get. The squirrel thinks for what seems like an eternity before saying, "I wish I had a motorcycle. A really fast motorcycle." The frog says, "Your wish is granted."

    The bear looks at the squirrel and starts yelling at him. "Are you fucking stupid? No really -- do you have shit for brains? You could have asked for a billion dollars and bought a fucking motorcycle. You could have had riches, fame, fortune...and you chose a motorcyle. Well, I'm not going to be dumb like you. I want all of the bears in the neighboring forest to be female bears as well." The frog says, "Your wish is granted" and the bear's shit-eating grin gets even bigger. The squirrel says, "For my second wish, I want a motorcycle helmet." The frog says, "Your wish is granted."

    Now the bear is just incredulous. "What the hell? You can have anything you want and you are concerned about motorcycle safety. God, you're such a loser. For my last wish, I want all the bears in the world to be female bears. I am going to spend the rest of my life getting lucky." The frog says, "Your wish is granted," and now the bear is grinning and laughing at his good fortune. The squirrel gets on the motorcycle, straps the helmet on, revs the engine, puts it in gear and is just about to ride off when he says, "For my last wish, I wish the bear was gay."
     
  4. PopeDirkBenedict

    PopeDirkBenedict Active Member

    Two Jewish ladies are sitting around talking about their grandchildren. Ruth says to Sarah, "I'm a little concerned. My grandson, Benjamin, just started dating this nice Jewish girl. But the rumor is that the girl he is dating has something called herpes....do you know what that is?" Sarah thinks for a moment and goes, "No...I've heard of it, but I'm not sure what it is. I have a medical dictionary upstairs, let me look it up."

    Sarah looks it up and comes back down stairs. "Ruth, you have nothing to worry about." Sarah looks at her and says, "What makes you say that?" Sarah looks down at the book and reads, "Herpes, a disease of the Gentiles..."
     
  5. Sxysprtswrtr

    Sxysprtswrtr Active Member

    Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

    The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

    In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!
     
  6. SockPuppet

    SockPuppet Active Member

    A guy walks into a bar ...

    He sits down and notices a big jar full of $20 bills. He asks the bartender to explain.

    Bartender: "Well, we've got this horse out back. You can put $20 in the jar and if you can go out there and make the horse laugh, you get what's in the jar.''

    The guy puts his $20 in, walks out the back door. About 10 seconds later, the horse is laughing like a hyena. Guy walks in, takes the money and leaves.

    A couple of weeks later, the guy comes back in. The jar is filled with $20s again.

    Bartender: "Same horse. This time, anybody who can make the horse cry gets the money.''

    Guy puts in his $20, goes out back. About 10 seconds later, everybody hears the horse crying like a little girl with a scraped knee.

    Guy walks in and grabs the money.

    Bartender: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ya gotta tell me how you did that.''

    Guy: "Simple. First time, I told the horse my cock was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him.''
     
  7. The Shocker

    The Shocker Member

    What's the deal with all the Lupica jokes?
     
  8. novelist_wannabe

    novelist_wannabe Well-Known Member

    A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle
    lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
    The Mexican is stunned.

    The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
    want."

    The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
    Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so
    make me pee tequila."

    The Genie grants him his wish.

    When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees
    in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila.
    Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and
    it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

    The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

    She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out
    of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

    Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
    tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

    The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to
    get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two
    glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent , and the
    couple drinks until the sun comes up.

    Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and
    tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
    drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on
    the table.

    The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife
    asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

    Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK
    FROM THE BOTTLE."
     
  9. EStreetJoe

    EStreetJoe Well-Known Member

    A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating anymore and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happens into
    specializes in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

    The parrot says, "With my penis, dummy."

    The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

    The parrot says, "Yes, thank you... I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish."

    The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

    The parrot replies, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots, you know. If you offer the proprietor $2 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

    The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. Every day when he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

    But then one day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

    The guy says, "What's up?"

    The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

    The guy says, "Oh, just a momentary flight of passion."

    The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."

    The guy says, "He did?"

    "Yep," says the parrot. "Then he took off her negligee and started sucking on her breasts."

    The guy exclaims, "My God, what happened next???"

    The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
     
  10. EStreetJoe

    EStreetJoe Well-Known Member

    Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

    "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

    Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said:

    "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "What do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy! "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air. Mommy was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" Daddy, if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone to heaven".
     
  11. EStreetJoe

    EStreetJoe Well-Known Member

    On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

    When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the
    hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

    Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid
    sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

    Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not
    enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

    The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in row."

    The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

    The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

    Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

    Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
     
  12. EStreetJoe

    EStreetJoe Well-Known Member

    last one for tonight...


    Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.

    When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

    She says, "Well, put them here between my legs and warm them up."

    After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

    She says again, "Well, put them here between my legs and warm them up."

    He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

    She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
     
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