1. Welcome to SportsJournalists.com, a friendly forum for discussing all things sports and journalism.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register for a free account to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Access to private conversations with other members.
    • Fewer ads.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!

Running dirty joke thread

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by PhilaYank36, May 23, 2007.

  1. pressmurphy

    pressmurphy Member

    Two women had gone out for a "Girls Night Out" but over-indulged with the alcohol. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a cemetary, and one of them suggested they do their business behind the headstones.

    The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

    Her friend, though, was wearing expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers. So she grabbed a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, the women made their way home.

    The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and says, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

    "That's nothing," the other says. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'"
     
  2. pressmurphy

    pressmurphy Member

    A newspaper executive married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" the puzzled groom said. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted a year to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: he had a nice product but was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a publisher. This time I know I'm gonna get fucked!"
     
  3. pressmurphy

    pressmurphy Member

    What four words do you always hear on a golf course and never hear in a brothel?

    "Bite, you cocksucker! Bite!"
     
  4. pressmurphy

    pressmurphy Member

    10 things in golf that sound dirty:

    1. Look at the size of his putter.
    2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
    3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
    4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
    5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
    6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
    7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
    8. Just turn your back and drop it.
    9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
    10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
     
  5. Claws for Concern

    Claws for Concern Active Member

    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

    The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

    The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

    The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

    Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

    The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone."

    The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

    Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dumb ass horse. For the last time... BRING POSSEEEE!!
     
  6. beefncheddar

    beefncheddar Guest

    Someone posted this one here a year or so back:

    Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
    "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

    "Well," says the first nun in line," I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in holy water and pass into heaven.

    The next nun admits that "Well yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged it a bit."

    "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in holy water and pass on into heaven."

    Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

    "Well now, what's going on in here?" says St. Peter.

    "Well your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "if I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
     
  7. Sxysprtswrtr

    Sxysprtswrtr Active Member

    Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
    A. Mega-sore-ass
     
  8. Cape_Fear

    Cape_Fear Active Member

    This homeless guy is walking by a bar that is advertising for piano player. He goes in and talks to the manager about the job, but the manager, seeing how the guy was dressed, gave him the brush off.

    "If you just let me play a song or two for you, you'll hire me in a second," the man says. The manager agrees.

    The first song is the most beautiful song that the manager ever heard. "What is that called?"

    "The I Fucked Her Up the Ass Rag." He plays another song, even better than the first. The manager wants the title of that one. "I'll Shit in Your Mouth and Call it Honey."

    The manager hires the piano player on one condition: Don't tell anybody the names of the songs.

    The first night there, he finishes up his first set and the bar is packed as word of mouth spread of the new piano player. "I'll be back in a few minutes in the meantime enjoy yourselves."

    As he's walking out of the men's room, a guy comes running up to him: "Do you know your zipper's down and your cock is hanging out?"

    "Know it, I wrote it!"
     
  9. Big Buckin' agate_monkey

    Big Buckin' agate_monkey Active Member

    *crickets chirping*














    HAHA
     
  10. RedCanuck

    RedCanuck Active Member

    So these three fans were getting pretty soused in a bar watching the Stanley Cup Finals. Two of them had jumped on the bandwagons and wore the appropriate attire: Anaheim Ducks and Ottawa Senators sweaters and hats. The third, a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, couldn't come to grips with reality...so naturally, he wore the blue and white.

    As the boys were walking away from the bar and on their way to hail a cab, they saw a disturbing site in the bushes nearby. They were pretty hammered, but unmistakenly it was a body. They came to the conclusion that it was a female, who was stripped naked, tortured, and killed.

    While they went to call 9-1-1, they decided it might be respectful to cover the woman up. The Senators fan put his ball cap over the woman's right breast, and the Ducks fan put his cap over the left breast. The Maple Leafs fan decided he'd put his cap over the woman's privates.

    Anyway, the detective shows up and starts filing his report. He takes the Senators cap off, makes a note, and does likewise with the Ducks cap. Everything appears to be in perfect order.

    He then proceeds to remove the Leafs cap, but something has him puzzled. He continues to remove and place the cap as he looks closer at what it was covering. The fans are starting to get a little enraged with the detective and they just can't understand what's going on.

    "Are you some sort of pervert?" the Ducks fan finally challenged the detective as he and the Sens fan tried to hold the drunken Leafs fan back from attacking the detective. The officer looked up at them, shifted his gaze back to her private parts and then offered his response.

    "No, this is just something remarkable I've never quite seen before," he said. "You see, I've seen a lot of Leafs caps over the years, and well, every time there's either been a dick or an asshole beneath it. This assuredly isn't one of those..."
     
  11. zeke12

    zeke12 Guest

    I've told this one on here before, but what the hell.



    Jesus Christ walks into a Mariott.

    "Can I get a room?" The Lord says.

    The clerk types on her computer, says they have a room available, it will be $89 for the night.

    Christ sighs, holds out his hand, drops three nails onto the counter.

    "This is all I have," he says. "Can you put me up for the night?"
     
  12. PhilaYank36

    PhilaYank36 Guest

Draft saved Draft deleted

Share This Page