Running dirty joke thread

A little guy gets into an elevator next to a really big guy.
The little guy looks up at the big guy and the big guy looks down at him, saying "Seven feet tall, 350 pounds, 12-inch cock, left testicle 3 pounds, right testicle 3 pounds. Turner Brown."
The little guy passes out.
Several minutes later, the little guy wakes up. He's still in the elevator and the big guy is still there.
"What happened?" asked the little guy.
"When you looked up at me, I just gave you the answers to the same questions everyone asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 12-inch cock. My left testicle weighs 3 pounds. My right testicle weighs 3 pounds. My name is Turner Brown."
"Thank God," said the little guy. "I thought you said 'turn around.'"

 

My favorite joke of all time, and one I've probably posted here before:

Q: What does one butt cheek say to the other?









A: If we stick together, we can stop this shit.

 

Q: How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?






A: Well, you start with a white tiger...

 

Boy, that one went right over my head. ???

 

Think Siegfried & Roy ...

 

A man walks into the bar with a little guy on his shoulder. He sits down, the little guy jumps off and goes over to the piano. He then starts playing a riveting tune, much to the delight of everyone in the bar.

"Wow!" says a regular sitting next to the new guy."Where did you get him?'

"There's a genie outside granting wishes," the new guys says.

The regular runs outside and finds the genie. "I want one million bucks!" he says.

*POOF* One million ducks fly all over the place.

The regular walks back into the bar. "That fucking idiot, I asked for a million bucks and he got me a million ducks."

"No shit," the new guy said. "Do you think I wanted a three-foot pianist?"

 

JDV is sitting in a bar one night and having no luck with the ladies. As the night winds down, he's pretty hammered and goes into the bathroom to piss.
As he's standing at the urinal, he looks next to him and sees this short little guy wearing a green suit. But what jumps out at him is the fact that the little guy has the biggest cock that JDV has ever seen. The thing is just absolutely huge; the size of a forearm.
As JDV stares at it, the little guy says, "So, you're taking an interest in me willy, are ya?"
"Yeah, sorry about that. But the thing is fucking enormous. I've never seen anything like it," JDV replies.
"Wouldya like of these for yourself?"
"Are you kidding me?" JDV says. "I'd die to have a cock that big."
"Well, laddie, I can make that happen for you. You see, I'm a leprechaun and I have magical powers. I can give you a cock like this if you'd like."
"That'd be awesome," JDV says. "What do I have to do for you?"
"Well, all that you have to do is let me fuck you in the ass," the leprechaun says.
"No way, man. I ain't letting you do that, especially with something that size."
"C'mon, one quick fuck in this quiet bathroom and no one will ever know. And in return, you'll have a cock like this for the rest of your life, laddie."
JDV thinks it over and finally agrees.
So they go into a stall and the leprechaun starts giving it to him. He's pounding away and JDV is in a tremendous amount of pain.
"So, laddie, what's your name?" the leprechaun asks as he pounds JDV in the ass.
"Mmmmm-mmmy name is, is is J-JDV," JDV manages to get out.
"So, JDV, how old are you?
"I'm 35," JDV says in between shreiks of pain.
"Ahhh, I see," the leprechaun says. "You are 35 years old and you still believe in leprechauns, eh?"

 

Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs, they start to boast about how tough they are.

The first rat says, "When I woke up, there was a match box of Rat-o-Kill outside my hole. I ate the lot and didn't feel a thing."

After a significant pause and a few more glasses, the second rat chips in,
"When I got up this morning, there was a massive rat trap with an enormous piece of prime cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise."

At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door.
"Where are you going?" ask the two other rats.
The third one replies: "Aw, I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and fuck the cat again."

 

A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his
orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back
of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?".

The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men
have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right
with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not
stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the
camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his
pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into
town."

 

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ;D

 

Oh

Shit

 

Q: What's only two and a half inches long but will satisfy a woman every time?
A: Your credit card.