Running dirty joke thread

Boots & JDV walk into a bar...

 

Same family:

Hairlip walks into a mall, and comes upon a nut shack....

Guy behind the counter has a giant nose.........

Hairlip says "How much for a pound of cashews?"

Counter guy: "Well, the cashews are $6.00 per pound."

Hairlip: "Jesus Christ, that's expensive........how much for a bag of your mixed nuts?"

Counter guy: "Well, the mixed nuts are $4.99 per pound......"

Hairlip: "Man, that's still awful high......how much for a pound of just your basic salted nuts?"

Counter guy: "well, the basic nuts are $2.00 per pound."

Hairlip: "Well, that sounds fine......gimme 2 pounds of those"

Counter guy rings up the purchase......takes his money, and hairlip says "Sir, I wanna thank you for taking time with me and taking me seriously.........a lotta people when they hear me talk like this.....they just assume I'm messing around with them, but it's a speech impediment.......I was born with it, I'm gonna die with it.......there's nothing I can do about it."

Counter guy: "Well, sir.....I wannt thank you for taking me seriously.....a lotta people when they see my big nose.....they assume it's some joke......just like you sir.......I was born with it.......I'm gonna die with it.......there's nothing I can do about it.......

Hairlip; That's your nose? Hell, I thought that was your dick as high as your nuts are.

 

Sorry, not dirty, but I can't resist joke threads ...

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter — let's look for yours."

 

LOL!

 

Same family.....

A girl is out on a date at the county fair.
Her date asks her what she wants to do.
She says "I want to get weighed"
So he brings her over to the "guess your weight" stand and weigh her.

After a few more rides he asks her what does she want to do
"I want to get weighed"
So they go back toe 'guess your weight' scale and weigh her again.

This happens again a third time, at which point her date brings her home.

Her sister, waiting for her on the front porch, asks her how the date went.
She replies "Wousy"

 

A midget from Texas had testicles which hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side. Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted
with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

 

Anyone ever tell you the four different types of female orgasms?
No. 1 is the religious: "Oh god, oh god, oh god..."
No. 2 is the positive: "Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes..."
No. 3 is the negative: "Oh no, oh no, oh no..."
and No. 4 is the fake: "Oh Boots, Oh Boots, Oh Boots..."

 

Fixed

 

an oldie but goodie...

Guy goes to the doctor complaining he's got a splitting headache.
Doctor examines him and tells him that he's got a rare condition where his testicles are pressing against the bottom of his spinal cord causing the headaches and it can only be fixed by surgery removing the testicles.

The guy is a little reluctant, but needs to do something about the headaches, so he goes ahead with the surgery.
After the surgery he's feeling so great that he decides to buy a new suit. So he goes to the men's shop in town and starts to talk to the salesman.
The salesman looks at the guy and goes "42 regular, right?"
The guy goes "That's right, how did you know?"
The salesman says "It's my job"
The salesman says "now how about some shirts, you're a 16 collar"
The guy goes "That's right, how did you know?"
The salesman says "It's my job"
They move on to shoes next and the salesman again nails the guy's size perfectly.
Then for the pants the salesman says "36 waist, 32 inseam"
The guy says "No, I've always been a 34 waist with a 34 inch inseam"
The salesman says "If you wore that size your testicles would be pushed up into your spine giving you one hell of a headache"

 

Why do Canadians like to have sex doggy style?


So they can both watch the hockey game!

 

During the filming of one of the Crocodile Dundee movies, the director told the koala bear he was done for the day and he could go into town and have a good time.
The koala finds a prostitute and when they're done he gets up and starts to leave the room.
"Hey, where are you going?" asked the prostitute.
"I'm done. I'm leaving," said the koala.
"Aren't you going to pay me?" asked the prostitute.
"Pay? I don't have to pay," said the koala.
"Yes, you do," said the prostitute.
"No, I don't," said the koala.
They argue back and forth for a while. Then the prostitute takes out a dictionary and points to an entry in it.
"Prostitute: a person who performs sexual favors for money," she read.
The koala takes the dictionary, flips through the pages, then says "Koala bear: an animal that eats bushes and leaves."

 

What did the leper say to the hooker?




Keep the tip.