Running dirty joke thread

As told by Mickey Mantle to one of my co-workers:

What's the difference between a brown-billed duck and a white-billed duck?

The brown-billed duck flies as fast as the one in front of it, but can't stop quite as quick. ;D

 

Your mother's a whore. I ever tell you that?

 

Bouncer: "What if he calls my mother a whore?"

Dalton: "Is she?"

 

Bad guy: "You wanna fight, dickless?"

Wade Garrett: "Well, I'm sure as hell not gonna show you my dick."

 

Three kids -- Spikey, Mikey and Doo Dah -- are going swimming down at the local lake. Spikey is the leader, Mikey has a bad stuttering problem and Doo Dah isn't that bright.

They head down to the lake and decide one has to go test the water. Spikey and Mikey convince Doo Dah to wade in.

He drowns.

The two kids go crazy, worried. Who'll tell Doo Dah's mom? She'll be crushed. Spikey takes off and leaves Mikey all alone to face the music. He makes his way to Doo Dah's house, walks to the door and knocks.

She answers and Mikey begins ...

"Wuh ... wuh ... wuh ...," he stammers.

"What is it, Mikey." she replies.

"Duh ... duh ... duh ...," he stumbles.

"Slow down, Mikey. You're shaking," she said. "Listen here, I used to know that if you sing what you're going to say, you won't stutter. Can you try it?"

"Uh ... uh ... OK," he says, before clearing is throat and belting out:

"We went swimming and guess who drown? Doo Dah, Doo Dah."

 

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

 

So far, not so good. I expected much, much better from this thread.

 

Two trucks crash, one full of bowling balls, another full of dead babies. Which is easier to clean up?

The dead babies; you can use a pitch fork.

 

A man is walking around his city's red-light district and happens upon a brothel he has never visited before. He goes in and looks at the "menu," and as he reads, he spots an unusual selection: today's special: singing blow-job.

Thoroughly intrigued, the man goes to the front desk, pays his money and goes to the room as instructed. He opens the door and finds that the room is dark. He goes to turn on the light, but the woman says from the darkness, "No, leave the light off. It's better that way." So the guy figures, what the hell, who cares & then proceeds to close the door and drop his pants.

The prostitute then asks him what his favorite kind of music is and replies that he likes classic rock. So as she is "servicing" him, she starts singing Ted Nugent's "Cat-Scratch Fever," as best as the guy has ever heard in his life. The best part is that the BJ is even better than her singing!

They finish up and the guy goes back to his apartment and tells his roommate all about the mind-blowing () experience. The next night, the roommate goes over to the same brothel, sees that the same special is still available, pays the fee and goes to the room.

Once again, as he opens the door, he finds the room is dark, but before the woman could say anything, he turns on the lamp. Next to the lamp, he spots a glass eye.

Let that roll around in your head for a bit.

 

A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.
"I’d like to buy a horth", he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" asks the owner.
"A female horth," the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s eyes and
puts him down again.

"Nithe eyeth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s teeth
and puts him down.

"Nithe teeth... may I now see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up
the dwarf to show him the horse’s ears and then puts him down.

"Nithe eerth," he says. "Now... can I see her twot?"
"With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and holding him by the
scruff of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head
deep inside the horse’s vagina. He holds him there for a couple of
seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze
that, Can I see her wun awound?!!"

 

Q: Whats the difference between a female track team and a tribe of pygmies?




















A: The tribe of pygmies is a cunning bunch of runts

 

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!