RIP - The Love Boat

I hated the Love Boat. I had my mom and two older sisters (6 and 8 years older than me) and I was the little squirt of the house, and come Saturday night when I wanted to watch ANYTHING BUT the Love Boat, I was vetoed into oblivion. Every damned week. So I sat there sulking and watching that stupid show -- cuchi-cuchi -- and when it ended, everyone would clear out, at which point I'd have the TV to myself. The problem was that Fantasy Island immediately followed and that show scared the living shit out of me. I'd kind of watch the guests for the week getting off the plane, and listen to Mr. Roark describe who they were to Tattoo, and decide whether one of the fantasies was going to freak me out. Usually by 9:30, 10, it was past my bedtime anyhow, so it was immediately off to bed to have nightmares about the one creepy fantasy and the spooky music they put to it. Which gets me thinking. I was 9 or 10 at the time. I know the Love Boat was a ratings juggernaut. If you were old enough to do anything else on a Saturday night, were you considered a loser if you were sitting at home watching the Love Boat? And if not, WHY not?

As for the show itself, has there ever been a more poorly written, dumber TV show than the Love Boat -- I mean, at least one that was successful? Start with the theme song. We all know the words. But why? It is the biggest piece of dreck theme song ever put to a TV show. It makes the Brady Bunch seem like high art. Then there were the cameos. We all tuned in and watched what was essentially a pension plan for actors who hadn't had steady work in years. How much do you think Robert Reed or Vic Tayback got for an episode of the Love Boat?

Then there was the plot. I would have loved to have written for that show, at least as a lark. It had to be like doing a MadLib. Three men. Three women. They fall in love with each other. Some misunderstandings that conspire to keep them from falling in love. A scene in Puerto Vallarta. Gopher acts like a doof. Happy ending. And along the way, treated to Gain McLeod in short shorts, wholesome Julie McCoy who apparently was snorting away everything she earned on the show, and not having a clue that Fred Grandy was training himself to be a Congressman, which says everything we need to know about being a Congressman. And of course, 9 months later one of the cameo guests would show up again as a brand new character and my mom and two sisters would suspend all belief and roll with it.