RIP HandsomeHarley's mother

My condolences, HH.

If there's anything I can do to help, please PM me.

 

Our condolences, HH.

I had a parent that I didn't get to see much, either. With me, I did question "What if?" Some will say that's hindsight and useless; I counter that it's human.

Hang in there, and know that we're thinking of you.

 

/\ yes.


Losing a parent with whom one had a difficult relationship is, I think, harder in many ways than losing a "good" parent. The finality of the relationship ending while still unsatisfactory is terrible. Apologies and forgiveness are witheld on both sides and then- oh fuck, now it's over.

When my dad, who was basically a dickhead (although a charming and funny dickhead) passed away, I was amazed at how I had only hurt myself through my inability to forgive him for his innumerable failures as a parent. It had seemed so important, somehow, to hold onto my resentments- otherwise I'd be letting him off the hook (oh no, not that!). Then as soon as he died- my resentments died with him. All the bitterness in my heart vanished, leaving only love- love that I never adequately, in my view, expressed while he was still here.

Seems like with parents, a child thinks the parent can do no wrong, a teenager thinks a parent can do no right, and an adult realizes that a parent is a fallible human being and does the best he or she can. Sometimes it's mind-boggling how someone can do their best and still totally suck. But that doesn't mean they weren't trying- it just means they weren't quite up to the challenge. That's part of being human. Event the strongest of us are capable of weakness and inadequacy. And the weakest of us- well, you know.

No pit of despair is deeper than God's love. Forgiveness is all of ours for the asking. Hope you find comfort in knowing that things really do end up ok in the end, however un-ok they may seem at times.

 

Sorry for your loss.
We'll all be there someday.
Try to make the funeral, it's a gesture, but a powerful one.

 

Thanks, everyone.

My mother and I actually spoke on the phone a couple of times in the past five years. I always tried to call her on her birthday (Christmas Day), but always seemed to find reasons to forget.

We did get to the point where we could talk, but there were obvious topics I had to avoid. And she lived in such a world of denial, it was crazy. For instance, nobody could ever broach the subject of the "big brother" that we had who was put in a home after he was dropped on his head when he was a baby. Nobody knows anything about him because of her.

There will be no funeral. She was living near my little brother in North Carolina and nobody has money. My brother got some credit to have her cremated, and we're hoping to have a sibling reunion sometime next year and sprinkle her ashes at our father's grave in Missouri.

I am close with one sister, who lives about 4 1/2 hours from me. Another sister is about 6 hours away. The other three siblings I haven't seen since 1991.

I'm just hoping to have a job by then.

 

HH, take a day or two off and spend some time by yourself or with your friends, if you have any close by. Don't advise getting blitzed unless you can control that habit; but go out and do something for you.

You'll need it in the coming days and weeks, I'm sure.

 

Every day is a day off. I'm still looking for a job.
Fortunately, I don't drink much, and don't have the dough to do so anyway.
I've started going on walks. Good exercise and I can be alone with my thoughts.

 

Hang in there, Harley. Sounds like you did the best that anyone could expect.

Best not to look back and wonder why, or what if. You had a tough hand to begin with.

And better times are ahead if you don't let this stuff overwhelm you.

 

HH, I'm in the same boat, at least with the job.

 

Hey, me too, wicked, but what the hell. Better times ahead.

 

Sorry to hear about your loss.

I imagine I'd feel the same way if my mother died. I'm not close to her at all... and I have no desire to be.

Just take the time to grieve. No matter what, she is your mother and it is a loss.