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RIP HandsomeHarley's mother

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by HandsomeHarley, Oct 21, 2007.

  1. HandsomeHarley

    HandsomeHarley Well-Known Member

    How do you react when the woman who birthed you, forced you to second-hand-smoke for 18 years, beat you, called you every name in the book, and said "I love you" twice the first 25 years of your life, passes away 1,300 miles away?

    I've seen my mother exactly twice in the past 10 years. None of my family is close.

    So why do I have this empty feeling inside? Guilt? The realization that now both parents and all four grandparents are gone?

    Just venting ...
  2. Flash

    Flash Guest

    You can feel the loss of something that could have been or should have been. You still lost your mother. Grieve. Be strong.

    And I'm sending hugs through the cyber world.
  3. Songbird

    Songbird Well-Known Member

    Condolences, brother.
  4. Angola!

    Angola! Guest

    I don't really know what to say HH, but condolences, man.
  5. wickedwritah

    wickedwritah Guest

    Harley, wish I could offer more than "Sorry."

    If you need anything, vent here or through PMs. People here are here for you.
  6. mike311gd

    mike311gd Active Member

    Sounds like a pretty volatile relationship, but hang in there, guy. The reasoning for the empty feeling will hit you. Until recently, my parents and I weren't on "normal" speaking terms, according to others families I know. We'd talk at holidays and birthdays, and that's how it was since I left for college in 2001.

    It took a pretty bad accident to bring us a little closer, and now we're OK. Not great or "normal," but OK. The whole family is tighter now. Maybe that'll happen for you, if that's something you want.

    I'd just try to remember the good times you had with your mom, if there were any. And as long as you're at peace with everything, there's nothing much else you can do. Take care of yourself, and try not to get bogged down with these feelings. Keep busy, and they'll catch up to you when you're ready to deal with them.
  7. outofplace

    outofplace Well-Known Member

    Harley, no matter how bad things got, she was your mother. And no matter what else she was, losing her is going to hurt. Let it. Be sad. Be angry. Don't question it. You feel how you feel. There is no right or wrong way to handle death.

    And understand that from what I read, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Not one thing.

    I can say I know for a fact that there is a unique kind of pain that comes with losing a parent you had a difficult relationship with. You know that there is no more time to set it right, no more time for them to make it up to you. It makes you face everything that went wrong again. I've been there. So have others here.

    I'm sure you were long past needing her to change, but maybe there is some small part of you that is still the small boy that just wants his mother to treat him better.

    My sympathies on your loss.
  8. OTD

    OTD Active Member

    HH, good luck. I feel for you as I suspect I'll be going through a similar thing one of these days.

    Hang in there.
  9. Tommy_Dreamer

    Tommy_Dreamer Well-Known Member

    As someone who has already lost their mother I can sympathize with you.

    It is indeed an empty feeling. I was very close to my mother and not so much to my father before she died. After she passed me and my father became really close, I guess he realized we (my brother and I) were all he had left in the world with his parents already gone.

    Even in passing my mother was doing some greater good.

    I'm sorry you weren't close with your mother, but it doesn't change the fact that you will always have an emptiness in your heart now that she's gone.

    The last thing I ever said to my mother, over the phone mind you since I was 7 hours away, was I love you. Most don't have that luxury. That's why I tell all my friends to always end with that statement when you speak to your family, because you just never know.

    I don't know your situation Harley, but I can sympathize on every level. Prayers out to you.
  10. Colton

    Colton Active Member

    Condolences, HH. Hang in there, buddy.
  11. ArnoldBabar

    ArnoldBabar Active Member

    You react in whatever way comes naturally. There are obviously some tough dynamics at play here, but ultimately she was your mother, and that always means something.

    Don't worry about whether you're grieving too much or not enough. Just feel how you feel, and be well.
  12. old_tony

    old_tony Well-Known Member

    My condolences, Harley.

    No matter what the relationship was, each and every one of us only gets one mother.

    Because of that, embrace the empty feeling and you'll hopefully learn to understand it.

    My prayers and thoughts are with you.
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