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Racism in hockey feature

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by DGRollins, Apr 5, 2007.

  1. DGRollins

    DGRollins Member

    I posted on the main board looking for advice on this article last week. At that time, I said that I would post the final product here as well.

    I'm 95 per cent done. It will be published next Tuesday. Any suggestions are welcome. I'm not fully happy with it yet. I'm still hopeful that the kid will talk; so far he is reluctant.

  2. DGRollins

    DGRollins Member

  3. DGRollins

    DGRollins Member

  4. friend of the friendless

    friend of the friendless Active Member

    Mr Rollins,

    (I'm presuming that it's Mr. but correct me if needed)

    You're on to an excellent story, truly. I do feel like you back into it, however.

    Your existing lead marked up ...

    Normally, driving home from a hockey game is a chance for Denis Commando to catch up with his son Theorem. An energetic and athletic boy, Theorem is usually a chatterbox during his and Denis' long drives back to their West Nipissing home. Could you get ut down to a sentence?
    "He'd want to talk about the game," Denis said. "Everything about it. We'd usually talk about everything." Doesn't really add anything. Could be covered in the first sentence.
    However, the drive back from Theorem’s March 20 game against a North Bay team was different. On that day, instead of the sound of an excited teenager filling the air, there was silence. No need to first say it's different. Just tell me that he didn't say a word. One sentence.
    Denis says he wasn't talking that day because he was too angry. He suspects that Theorem was too sad.
    Both father and son were responding to an incident that occurred about midway through the third period of the game. It wasn't something that would have been obvious to most of the people watching the game. Actually, only a select few people were likely aware that anything had happened at all. Father angry, son sad, not by a win or a loss, but something that happened in the game, something that most people missed. Tighten, tighten, tighten.

    The sooner you get to the racial slur, the better.

    Make some sort of bridge between the fact that few at the rink heard it and nobody at Hockey Canada wants to hear about it.

    You have the stuff of a very good (and important) story.

    YHS, etc
  5. friend of the friendless

    friend of the friendless Active Member

    Mr Rollins,

    I do wonder if you lead in the right place. I wouldn't mind at all if you flipped your lead--start with the game, the slur, then show the emotional aftermath.

    "Discussion" with goaltender is clunky.

    YHS, etc
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