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Pro lacrosse gamer

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by DGRollins, Jan 14, 2008.

  1. DGRollins

    DGRollins Member

    This a is just a typical story...it's been about six months since I was last critiqued, so I thought it would be worthwhile to post something.

    Thanks in advance:

  2. Stitch

    Stitch Active Member

    Bandits' fans is incorrect. It's not a possessive. You have it listed in two parts. Also, Buffalo never lead should be led.

    I would lead with the 6-0 run instead of the crowd did its part, but the team didn't. A crowd never plays a part in a win, it's all about how a team plays. The reaction of a crowd is better left further down in the story.

    Just my four cents.
  3. GB-Hack

    GB-Hack Active Member

    Typo in the fourth graf.

    Should be "Buffalo never led..."
  4. DGRollins

    DGRollins Member

    Thank you.
  5. mike311gd

    mike311gd Active Member

    Sir, this is minor, but I'd add some variety in those two sentences or combine them into one: "Scott Evans, Matt Lyons and Shawn Williams each scored twice for Rochester, and Ken Millin, John Grant, Stephen Hoar, Bill Greer and Sandy Chapman added one apiece."

    Also, hat trick isn't hyphenated; "The game wasn’t as close as the score would indicate" -- I'd go with "... as the score indicated"; you don't need the "different" when saying nine players scored (of course they're different, you know?).

    I like the way you told the story.
  6. forever_town

    forever_town Well-Known Member

    Seems from a cursory glance that you really backed into the result. It looks like it took four or five grafs before you got to the score.

    If one of my writers gave me a gamer like that, I'd tell him or her doing that's unacceptable.
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