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Prep Football Gamer Feedback Request Please

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by delmer_1999, Sep 19, 2011.

  1. delmer_1999

    delmer_1999 New Member

    Hello. I discovered this forum today and I think it looks like a wonderful tool! For any of the expierenced writers with some time, I respectfully ask for some feedback on this gamer I wrote. I am looking to get into sportswriting as a part-timer. I am currently working with a weekly, and I thought I could use some feedback.

    Please be honest -- say what you need to. I will take anything supplied and use it to fix my mistakes.


    (Note: I changed all names and everything).

    UHS Wildcats outlast London in 3 OTs

    Defense stops 2-pt conversion attempt, Melin has big day

    URBANA-- If you do not like what the varsity football coaching staff at Utech High School is doing, led by head coach, Jeremy Stocky, I am sure you have a legitimate reason. Whatever your reason may be, I am sorry that you do not see the same things that I do.

    Those “things” rung out loud and clear on Friday night at Wildcat Stadium as the host Wildcats pleased a raucous opening-night crowd by surviving a 35-34 triple overtime thriller over the Paris Red Hounds (0-1). The stars for Urbana (1-0) were Timmy Melin, who scored three touchdowns, a two-point conversion run, recorded an interception and tied for the team lead with eight tackles. Also, Bryant Bowers turned the momentum in favor of the home team with an 80-yard kickoff return just before the end of the first quarter that answered a game-tying score for the Raiders, and Ty Powers who scored the game-winning TD on a 29-yard reception from QB Nathaniel Cosby in the third OT, as well as hauling in an interception deep in Wildcat territory late in the game to help stop a potential game-winning drive by Paris.

    The teams traded scores throughout the game with no lead being bigger than seven points. Utech held a 28-21 lead at halftime on the strength of the Ireland return, and the three Melin TDs. The senior ran it in from 5-yards out, hauled in a 28-yard reception that was tipped by the defender, and a quick-hitting 48-yard reception on the first play following a Red Raider fumble. Cosby, a freshman starting his first game, threw 3 touchdown passes for the Wildcats.

    Neither team was able to score in the first two overtime periods, although both missed FG attempts. In the third extra session, after a sequence of a one-yard rush, a five-yard loss, and a false start penalty, Utech’s conversion chances looked bleak. On third and nineteen, Cosby hit Powers in the left corner for a 29-yard touchdown pass. On the ensuing possession, Paris scored on a 4th-and-2 to come within an extra point to tie, but they missed the extra point. However, Utech was whistled for a roughing the kicker, and Paris decided to try to win the game on a run from the one-and-a-half yard line. The Wildcat defense held strong and denied the attempt, sending the bench into jubilation.

    Time and again, the UHS coaches called aggressive plays they expected their freshman QB to execute. The defense was charged up all game against the much bigger Red Hounds, and despite two interceptions from Cosby, they did not fumble the pigskin.

    After the game, Stocky was not short on realistic praise for his team, “Give credit to our kids. We didn’t play well at all, but that’s why you hang your hat on competing. They compete. They’re never out of it,” said Stocky.

    In his assessment of choosing Cosby to start over two upper-classmen also in the running, Stocky seemed confident in his choice. “Over the course of camp and two-a-days, he (Cosby) has consistently gotten better,” explained Stocky, ”His learning curve is big. He’s a competitor. He made a lot of mistakes tonight, but the kid competes his tail off,” continued Stocky.

    UHS had balance with 197 yards on the ground and 200 through the air, for a total of 397. Sophomore Shaq Ware didn’t get a carry until the 4th period, but he tallied a team-high with 79 yards on only 8 totes. Junior Andy Lawrence had 59 grinding yards on 16 rushes, while Melin gained 51 yards on only nine carries. Cosby completed 7 of 18 passes for those three TDs and 2 INTs. Melvin was 2 of 2 for 63 yards. Melin made good on his only two receptions for 76 yards and the two TDs.

    Competing seems to be the consistent theme with the 2011 Wildcat squad. Said Stocky, “They fight. I’ll go to war with these types of kids 100 days out of 100 days.”

    In my book, show me a team with this attitude, enthusiasm, commitment, and coaching staff, and I will show you a winner.

    Utech hosts Florida University next week.
  2. Point of Order

    Point of Order Active Member

    I read this the other day and just came back to it tonight.

    You should write at least 50 simple, straightforward, formulaic, boring gamers with no flourish before you try something clever. Your ledes should answer the who, what, when and where of the story in 33 words or less. You have to try to get your writing out of the way of the story. Write literally. Don't use metaphors, similes or adverbs, especially not in the lede. Completely kill the first paragraph of your story and use the 2nd as the basis for your lede. Instead of:

    Those 'things' rung out loud and clear on Friday night at Wildcat Stadium as the host Wildcats pleased a raucous opening-night crowd by surviving a 35-34 triple overtime thriller over the Paris Red Hounds (0-1).

    try something like:

    The Wildcats opened football season against UTech High with a 35-34 win in a game filled with drama and capped by a triple overtime goal-line stand Friday at Wildcat Stadium.

    Rather than attempt to send play into a fourth overtime with another kick try, UTech risked the game on a running play from the one-and-a-half-yard-line. Utech Head coach Joe Blow decided to go for two only after his squad missed an extra point that would have tied the game at 35, but got a second chance due to a Wildcat penalty. The Wildcat defense held strong and denied the attempt, sending its bench into jubilation.

    "Best quote."

    Describe hero player performance.

    "Optional quote on hero player if there's a good one."

    Describe key feature of the game (here, seems like high-scoring back and forth, etc).

    Boil down the play by play description into a short paragraph or two that supports the key feature of the game. Insert only good quotes where fitting and appropriate if you have any good ones.

    Describe other noteworthy individual plays or performances, or happenings.

    End by placing the game in a larger context of the season or other signifcance.
  3. slc10

    slc10 Member

    This appeared to be more like a column or commentary than an actual story. Avoid using I in a story where you are making an observation in your story.
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