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Prep Basketball Gamer(Please leave feedback, I'm trying to improve!)

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by JD, Nov 30, 2007.

  1. JD

    JD Member


  2. wickedwritah

    wickedwritah Guest

    I liked some of your adjective use. Not many people work "minute" in that context into a sports story.

    The longer lead worked here, but you may wanna tighten up in the future. I capped a couple suggestions, just so you see where I tweaked.

    Like: "With LESS THAN three minutes remaining in the fourth quarter AND Pioneer leading Whitney by 16 points, Patriots coach Barry Reese called a timeout. His team had just committed two straight turnovers, leaving the coach UNHAPPY."

    Good luck.
  3. silentbob

    silentbob Member

    Solid lede, you really capture the moment well. Quoting the coach during the time out was smart and effective ....

    ... but you didn't follow-up with it. If you choose that as the turning point of the game, you need to ask the coach why he called time out, what irritated him so much, what was it about his team's body language that suggested to him that they were just going thru the motions, something just to add a little more depth.

    Then you should've asked a player about the time out and if it really caught their attention, as you suggest. Sounds like the last three minutes of the game is your story. Use that as a frame.

    *You have a great lede in place.
    *"Play like you want to win."
    *It worked, team rallies, holds off opponent.
    *Quote from coach.
    *Necessary background (your play-by-play is a little rough; pick one or two key moments, building back up to the turnovers that caused the time out.
    *Develop your theme, deveop, develop.
    *End quote -- from player about how the timeout shook them out of their funk.
  4. spnited

    spnited Active Member

    OK, JD, I'll punch a few holes in your balloon.

    I like where you tried to go with your lede, but I don't think you got there.

    The first two words I read are "Often times," and they stop me cold. Then I get littlle things, make or break, and the next level ... cliche, cliche, cliche... before I get to your real lede.
    Throw out the entire first sentence. Tighten up, as wicked suggested, the next sentence, and you've made some progress.

    But... if they were ahead by 16 and won by 14 how is it that they finished strongly? As bob mentioned, you don't support your lede in any way.

    And I don't think "minute" is the right word there at all.

    The other thing in that graf is you say they have won two in a row, but only one is official. Huh? What does that mean? Are they 1-0 or 2-0?
    You later mention a "Foundation Game." I have no idea what that is. Do your readers know? Does it count as a win or not?
    In fact, this entire graf baffles me:
    "After defeating Rio Linda in their Foundation Game 82-70 on Monday, the Patriots' first half wasn't expected, but wasn't a travesty, either."

    "wasn't expected but wasn't a travesty, either" ????

    There also is too much play-by-play from the first quarter through the fourth in chronolgical order and not a single strong quote anywhere.
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