Post a Joke

If we're doing alma mater jokes, here's my favorite.
Fill in your own team nicknames.
One fan each of Bumblefuck State, Bumblefuck Tech, Bumblefuck U. and Bumblefuck A&M go hiking. They each claim to be the biggest fan of their respective schools.
When they get to the top of the mount, they are checking out the incredible view. The BSU fan suddenly goes, "If I jump off here, there will be an article about my death. It will talk about what a big fan of Bumblefuck State I am, and it will bring attention to the school. This is for BSU!"
He jumped off.
The Tech fan said, "Well, I have to make sure Bumblefuck Tech gets the credit it deserves. This is for Tech!"
He jumped as well.
While the BU fan was still stunned, the A&M fan stepped behind him and said, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the BU fan off.

 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

--
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

--
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my vajayjay."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my vajayjay!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her vajayjay, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

 

Bill Bavasi walks into a bar ........

 

Dr. Bob has had his own practice for 15 years. He was very, very successful, had a great rapport within the community, mostly because of his honest nature. But with one moment of weakness, he was shaken.

He kept telling himself, "It's OK, Bob. Trust me, it is. You're not the first doctor to have sex with a patient, and surely, you won't be the last. So don't worry about it. Everything will be OK."

And he was fine for a few minutes until his conscience kicked back into gear. "Yeah, but, Bob, you're a veterinarian."

 

What do you do to a dog with no legs?

Take it for a drag.

 

One night a husband and a wife are in bed, and the husband asks the wife if she wants to f**k. The wife, responds, "nah, I don't feel like it."

The next two nights, the husband asks again, but the wife gives the same response, so he asks her why she never wants to f**k. In response, she asks him why he always has to ask if she wants to f**k?" "Why can't you just say 'have sex'?" The guy says it just doesn't sound right, so the wife says, "ok, than let's just come up with a code phrase like, 'do you want to do the laundry'." So the husband says, fine, that's ok.

So another month or so goes by, and each night, the wife expects the husband to pop the code phrase, but he never does. So then one night she finally says, "how come you've never asked me to do the laundry in the past month?"

The husband responds, "Oh, I've been doing the laundry by hand."

 

The Irish portion of my family loves this joke.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 

Sure does.

 

Trying to be the last posted on all the ones on Anything Goes? That's cute.

 

The only limit is yourself.