Post a Joke

I apologize if something like this has been done before, but I haven't seen one recently. It can be anything, long, short, dirty, raunchy, clean, corny, whatever.

I'll start with one my uncle told me a while back.

A man is frantically driving around downtown looking for a parking space because he is about to be late for the most important meeting of his life. He finally becomes so desperate, he begins to pray: "Lord I'll do anything if you just let me find a space. I'll even give up smoking and drinking forever!" Right then, a spot opens right in front of him at the office building he's trying to get to. He quickly looks up at the sky and says "Never mind, I just found one."

 

Here's one my nephew told me:

What did the cat say when he got his first cell phone?

Can you hear meow?

 

A mushroom walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a stiff drink.
Bartender says he can't serve his kind.
Mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun-gi?"

 

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

 

That's another one my uncle told me years ago.

 

During the filming of one of the Crocodile Dundee movies, a koala bear was done with his scene and the director told him to take the rest of the day off, go into town and have a good time.
The koala goes to a whorehouse. When he's done, he starts to leave the room and the prostitute says "Hey, wait a minute, where are you going?"
"I'm leaving. I'm done," said the koala.
"You have to pay me first," said the prostitute.
"Pay? I don't have to pay you," said the koala.
"Yes, you do."
"No, I don't."
They argue back and forth for a while until the prostitute finds a dictionary, thumbs through it and points to one of the pages.
"Prostitute: A person who performs sexual acts for money," said the prostitute.
The koala grabs the dictionary and turns the pages. Then he points to an entry.
"Koala: An animal that eats bushes and leaves."

 

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going”.

The young guy says, “That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra….What does your wife look like?”

The old timer says... “Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.”

 

An oldie but a goodie.
I'm nothing if I'm not original.

 

What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?

De-caffinated.

 

Here's one.....

We took 40-inches of youth league baseball for a roundup tonight, including a game in which pitching machines were used.

HAHAHAHAHA. God damn that's funny!

 

But, but, but were the cheerleaders' names spelled correctly in the cutline?

 

Oldie but goody:

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

The judge asks Mickey what are the grounds for divorce.

"She's fucking goofy, your honor."

Judge: "Mental illness is not grounds for divorce, Mickey."

"No, your honor, she's fucking Goofy."