Poll: Were you that kid? Or maybe you still are?

I snooped when I was younger. And I always did the box shaking so Moddy would have killed me by the time I was 8. Once I got to high school my mom just gave me money and I bought my gifts and gave them to her to wrap. I haven't really been surprised about a gift since then, obviously, but I never have to worry about returning gifts.

 

My grandfather was legendary for shaking presents on Christmas morning, then saying (in his thick Irish brogue) "That's a shirt"... and then never bothering to open it.

When I was a kid my family would go to my aunt's house on Christmas. Her father-in-law would open a present and every single time, without fail, say "I certainly don't know what in the hell I'm gonna do with that." He wore nothing but flannel shirts - if the gift was a flannel shirt, he'd say "I certainly don't know what in the hell I'm gonna do with that."

 

Back in college, I kept dropping hints about maybe acquiring this beat-up old car my dad had and never used. I would obviously never ASK for a car, but it just sat in our driveway everyday. So Christmas morning, we open our gifts, and my mom issues some statement to me like "Well, you've got one big present left. It's in the garage." And my parents exchange smiles. And I'm thinking, "no way. No way they're actually giving me this car." So I hustle my ass to the door leading to the garage, and my parents are behind me with a video camera, and there's, like, hoopla involved in this. My little sister is trailing behind me, too. Big smile. Open the door to the garage. Thinking maybe the car would be in there with a bow on it. No, there's a chest of drawers sitting there. With a big red bow draped around it. Turned around to my dad (manning the video camera) and said, "How the hell am I going to drive that?" Yeah, I was a selfish, expectant ass. And my family has never let me forget it. Every Christmas, they make me go out to the garage for a present, so everyone can laugh at my expense. I deserve it.

 

That's not funny when you're a kid and you get an actual bag of garbage for Christmas. I wasn't THAT bad.

 

I had a babysitter when I was seven or so who basically showed us where the gifts were hidden. Mom was less than pleased.

 

You got an actual bag of garbage for Christmas? Do you want me to sit here and explain to you how Christmas works for good children?

 

My mom used to have these elaborate set-ups where I would open a "present" that would have a "clue" in it and I'd have to follow all the clues throughout the house while I searched for my present, which always seemed to be somewhere in the garage after a labyrinthian excursion. I can remember one of my older brothers getting a kick out of me frantically searching for my one big present in eighth or ninth grade. Turned out it was a typewriter. Hidden in the garage. WTF?

 

I LOVED treasure hunts. We'd each have one on our birthday. And the clues rhymed.

 

Wanna know how bad I suck?

I wrapped about a half dozen of the wife's Xmas presents the other day before she got home from work. A couple others I ordered online arrived yesterday and today. So, since I absolutely suck at wrapping presents, I put those late-arriving ones in their boxes and had the wife wrap them. While I supervised, of course.

I'm a hot mess when it comes to wrapping gifts. Just turrrrible.

 

My dad makes my mom wrap her own on years when I'm not there to do it. I'm going shopping with him Wednesday (that's my dad) and then have to convince him to leave the mall at 11:30 a.m. without telling him why until we're on the road (taking him to the UK game for his present), then go BACK to the mall, which will be a madhouse.

After all that, I'll be happy if he doesn't just walk in the door and throw the bag at her.

 

My wrapping skills suck hard, but I was proud of myself for finishing all my shopping the week before Xmas week. Usually, I'm scrambling a day or two before Xmas to finish up. Actually, I got most of my shopping done in one evening.

 

My mom has made an art form out of wrapping presents, but they're wrapped and reinforced so brilliantly you need the bomb squad to open most of them.