Planning your funeral

It could be a pushback. Or it could be the general de-emphasizing of religion throughout society. Fewer people than ever self-identify as religious, and most of those who do aren't exactly slavish about it. Many of us are familiar with Catholicism -- think about the place the church held for the generation of 30-40 years ago and compare it to now. In that time, a proper church funeral was practically a requirement to get into heaven.

 

I am a "comatose Catholic" -- I go to church on Christmas and Easter and maybe a couple times the rest of the year, and other than that I have a lot of major problems with the way The Church has been running its business (and many other people's) the past few decades (well really the last couple of millennia) so strict adherence to church regulations is not a big priority to me personally.

But it was a big deal to my parents, and I am godfather to two of my siblings (who have turned out to be much more observant than me; maybe I'm a better godparent than actual practitioner), as well as two niece/nephews, so I guess it is important to me that my actual funeral and burial service not violate any red-line prohibitions set by the church.

So I have been working up a set of instructions that my actual services be conducted in accordance with church regulations -- as briefly and inexpensively as possible. Pinch every nickel you can.

The Church does allow cremation, but not ash-scattering, which would be my preference. In the interim, my instructions are to inter my ashes in the same (adult) gravesite currently occupied by my older brother, who died at birth a year and a half before I was born (this is allowed for a somewhat-lower price). Closed-casket visitation and ceremony. Nobody needs to look at whatever wiped-out form I was in at the end.

Much if not all of the music I would want played at any memorial service is not acceptable to The Church due to the authors of the songs being atheists, jew-people, muslims, homos, hippies, general rabble-rousers or some other kind of unacceptable people, so I am working up a kind of wake/celebration program I am going to burn on a CD and give to my brother with instructions to commandeer a bar the night before and play it. Have some laughs, have some beers, laugh about some of the stupid shit I did, remember some of the good things if you can and go home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEk-wjil1rA&list=PL6BB7D847DE6E0F4C

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rsfjntm1jok

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jPg2M1UYgU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYE0J55DIrY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7g3RuoreRc

 

Wow, looks like Starman is good to go.

 

One of my best friends owns a funeral home, so my explicit wishes have been conveyed to he and my wife.

I will be started out with a Masonic service. After that, I am to be cremated. Even dead, the thought of being shut up in a box freaks me out. My funeral guy and my wife know exactly where on my property to spread my ashes. I do have a funeral plot at a cemetery where a stone is to be placed. It's actually pretty cool because it's an old church grave yard, and my plot is right by the road. That way, every time people drive by and look, they'll see my name.

For the memorial, my friends and family are supposed to have a cookout, a keg, a blasting radio (Freebird, Amazing Grace, Go Rest High on that Mountain, others), and a picture of me. Celebrate me the way I lived.

As for the actual cremation, I have mentioned that I'd like it to be done in the traditional Viking way of putting me in a boat, floating it down the river, and setting fire to it. But seeing as how I don't own a boat, I figure that would really piss off some guy when he discovered his boat missing! ;D

 

My plan? To have the preacher say some words and then chuck me in the clay.

 

my wish is for my friends to Weekend At Bernies me to a Tigers game, round of golf, strip club, drive down Woodward in a high-priced sports car and finally to a rocking good party

 

My mother-in-law turns 96 this week, and she's been in a nursing home on Medicaid (or is it Medicare?). She gets a substansial amount more from the government than her nursing home expenses, and we have to spend it. So we used it to pay for her funeral, and she's got the works. Personally, I question the wisdom of shelling out that much money for a service that maybe 15 people, max, will attend, but it wasn't my decision.

My wife's sister was exactly the opposite. When she died of cancer in April, she was cremated and there was no funeral, although we've talked vaguely about some kind of memorial service where she and her husband's ashes are scattered in the Pascagoula River near where they lived. But at this point I doubt it will happen.

 

Will anybody come to pray?
"The Ballad of Bubbler Lowe"

 

There are specific rules governing a Jewish funeral. It's pretty basic (almost typed bare bones, oy!) with the plain pine box someone else mentioned. There can be an American flag if the deceased is a veteran, though we didn't do that for my grandmother. They're also quite short, which is what I told my friends when first my father and then my grandmother died.

The shivah period, seven days of mourning after the funeral, is probably going to be more difficult -- and of course there are a lot of rules for that, too.

Not long after my dad was diagnosed with leukemia, he made sure all the important papers -- financial and personal -- were gathered in one place. My mom has continued with that, including documents like her power of attorney, living will, deed to cemetery plot, etc., in a red folder in a filing cabinet in the garage, and I have copies of some of them. My grandmother's last 18 months of life involved many trips to the hospital, so I'd had hers as well -- and her end-of-life care request paperwork were incredibly detailed to the point of being hilarious, like no abortions for a woman who had had a hysterectomy years earlier. That said, it's a fabulous document because of its specificity and I'd recommend everyone add it to their medical records.

I don't like to have these papers in my apartment, never have. But I'm an only child of only children, so this is going to be my responsibility -- and already has, with my grandmother. I just hope I don't have to deal with my mom's death for a very long time. We may fight frequently, but when it comes down to it, she's all the immediate family I have left.

I've made no plans for myself, except to list various friends and their children as beneficiaries on investments. I also intend to buy long-term care insurance at some point. As far as who's going to handle funeral arrangements for me, I have no idea.

 

If he's still alive when I die, I've told my family to hire David Clayton Thomas and a band and sing this at my service:

http://youtu.be/kDWQ8w829tY

 

The non-denominational service we had for my mom last November was just about right, I thought. Just having everyone come together provided for a nice acknowledgment of her life and a sense of closure.

Looking back, the week between her death and the funeral was even more important for me. I spent the time by myself collecting my thoughts and writing a eulogy on the backs of bar coasters at a place called Mulligans in Vero Beach. Taking that time to collect and inventory a lifetime of thoughts and emotion left me in a good position to move forward again.