Peter King Dispatches From South Africa

"Also had the opportunity to see the depths of hell today. It was a bit of a disappointment. There was no context. No real attempt to show the place exactly as it was. There were lots of signs, no furniture, really long videos of Richard Simmons doing Sweatin' to the Oldies 4 on a loop and never a sense of what it was like to live there. And, hell (pun intended), no moment of terrible sadness and grief for Jon Lovitz' character on SNL like you feel when you read the Book of Revelation or Dante. I kept trying to understand what it was really like but could never feel it."

 

"What was really strange was that they kept playing that song played when the Black Hawks score a goal. It just seemed too happy for the venue. Now the dam song is burned into my ear."

 

Yeah, he loves his wife and daughter so much that he has to go to South Africa during his downtime.

 

Dear Anne Frank Organization:

I am Peter King of Sports Illustrated, an American sports magazine. First let me say, I am big personal fan of Harald Hasselbach, who hails from the Netherlands as you undoubtedly know. Although he didn't get much playing time with the Denver Broncos, no doubt you are all very proud of him.

I am writing today about my recent visit to your house. Let me be frank (pun intended). You could do a lot better. I was really in the mood for an emotional moment, and frankly (oops, pun not intended, but will leave it!) I left feeling rather disappointed and also somewhat irritated by the surprising number of German tourists with incredibly poor hygiene. I guess you can't do anything about that, but in such a cramped space it's rather obnoxious. I suppose Anne knew something about that! Maybe the tour guide could have drawn the analogy during the little talk session.

Anyway, after my visit, as I wandered Amsterdam in search of a Duane Reade where I could buy some Purell, I started thinking. I don't know if you folks have ever visited a Disneyland location, I know there's one in Paris but I don't hear good things. But if you ever get to the US, please make time to see what I'm talking about here:

There's this one ride, very famous, with a Haunted House. You go inside, unprepared for what's about to happen, sit in a moving car, which takes you through the Haunted House. Things jump out, crazy voices and music, shocking sights...I cannot help but think this might really be a great way to experience Anne's house. Nazis jumping out of the walls, that bookcase slamming back and forth, then you shut the people behind the wall, scare the bejeezus out 'em! They will never forget!

At the end of the Haunted House ride, you go in front of a mirror where it looks like you're riding with two ghosts...maybe you could use some old skinny rabbi images or something, I don't know, just a thought.

Anyway, I just think people are used to better entertainment these days, videos and links and such, I would not want the great memory of Anne Frank to be lost due to lack of better technology.

Doei!
Peter King

ps, Hope there are no hard feelings about the speed skating thing in the Olympics, you guys are still pretty great.

 

PPS, have you ever thought about a Starbucks next door? The Anne Frankucinnio would be a huge seller.

 

Yeah, as much as I love reading MMQB, there's usually at least two tangents in each column that make me think he's borderline retarded or at least makes it very obvious that he's not edited at all.

 

After the visit to the Anne Frank house, we stopped at a local coffee shop. No caramel macchiato, and it was incredibly smokey inside. At first, it was nauseating, but soon we got so hungry we ate three pounds of speculaas.

 

Can't believe he A.) wrote and B.) it didn't get edited out the "frankly (pun intended)." Even for King, that's incredibly tacky and offensive.

 

If you're talking about what 21 posted, King didn't write that.

 

It was in the original. I take no credit.

 

The key is: It's not edited (aside from a quick Monday morning once-over for grammar and spelling, i imagine). And he writes it in two weekend sittings, I think. Sometimes we think we're more interesting, or smart, than we are. That's why I love editors.

 

Word. I once referred to Tennessee as the "big parallelogram to the northwest." I was young, stupid and sleep-deprived at the time, none of which is an excuse, of course. I'm still thankful that gem never made it into print. Yeesh.