People who go off the deep end

cadet would have. [/crossthreading]

 

Oh I so lied. Apparently his people called us while I was on my days off. He's going to be on our noon show. Our noon show that is watched by a bunch of 80-year-old women.

If it didn't mean I was here for 14 hours, I'd totally stay. Alas, I'd rather sleep.

 

Good choice.

I feel very bad for the guy. Imagine growing up and being completely identifiable at THE BIGGEST NERD ON TV. Like, forever, whenever anyone's a nerd, it's He's like Screech. No explanation even necessary. It's one thing to be a geek growing up, it's a completely different thing to do it on television.

Sure, he's a total creeper now - but he never really had a chance to be normal in the first place.

 

Steve Urkel would like to have a word with you.

 

I was actually talking to someone at work last night about Saved By The Bell and Home Improvement and Full House and Boy Meets World, and she said, "You're like my second soulmate" -- behind her boyfriend, of course. I don't want anything more to do with her, but it was funny hearing that just the same.

 

Tori, herself, wasn't all that bad. I don't mind Tori; I think she's a good character, just thrown into a awkward time, and that's what many people don't like about Tori.

The series was done. Peter Engel and the good folks at The Bell were all finished, having wrapped up the graduation episode with the entire gang, and they got a call from NBC, saying it wanted 11 more episodes. However, since all the contracts with the actors expired, the producers had a tough time resigning Thiessen and Berkley and ultimately had to make a decision: Run the show with the four remaining kids or find a replacement. Enter Tori.

Her character was a good one ... but unfortunately, it had already been done -- by Saved By The Bell. If you think about it, Tori is a hybrid of Kelly and Jessie (although much closer to Ms. Spano) -- a tough, considerate feminist who cleans up nicely and has a major thing for Zack.

They're so similar, in fact, that the show began to write familiar storylines after she began: Zack and Slater competing for her (even just for a kiss to win a bet), the teen line (which the gang somehow didn't know anything about; I guess you forget a lot in two years), etc.

The worst thing The Bell did -- and I mean ever -- was not offer some explanation for Kelly and Jessie's disappearance on the show. Maybe they went on a semester abroad, had different schedules and lunch periods, whatever. They didn't do anything. And even better, they aired the episodes out of order. So halfway through senior year, here comes a new character -- like the gang would even come close to accept someone new a couple months before graduation -- and there goes to main characters; not only major characters, but integral parts of Zack's like (Jessie's his best friend since childhood, and Kelly's his main love interest).

In my opinion, that's from where the disdain for Tori comes. It's not really fair for Leanna Creel, but I'm sure even she'd agree it was a dumb move. But how could you turn down the offer to be on Saved By The Bell?

 

Yes she would. Everyone would put out for Zack Morris. It's a fact.

 

I would argue Urkel would be more likely to be fucked up, mostly because his dorkdom came on prime time. But unlike Screech, Urkel grew up, as evidenced by the truly horrid "Stefon" episodes toward the end of the series.

As for Tori, you know what.. I think her to be the most doable for me. Down to earth, sexy. Kelly.. way too perfect, oddly shaped hips. I think we all knew Jessie was going to turn out to be a whore. But she's everybody's whore. Tori... she'd only be your whore.. and she'd be good at it too.

 

I would take bets that Gary Coleman is the most screwed up of everybody.

 

Even you Mikey?

God. I don't want to know this answer

 

Surprisingly, sir, I only needed one pair of underwear.

A friend of mine, with whom I'd been intimate on four occasions (including once on Feb. 4, 2006 -- the beginning; remember my New Year's change-falling-out-of-my-pants story? This is her), in February told me Mario Lopez was coming to do a Q&A at her college, and I told her I'd be there. That semester, she joined the newspaper on campus and was getting some really boring stuff; she was the newest news writer, so she got all the greatest assignments. Then I got the call: "I've been chosen to write a story on A.C. Slater," she said. "Uh, um, I, ..." I think I said. I asked her if it'd be cool if I got in on the interview, too, and she said it probably wouldn't be a problem. I made sure it wasn't.

She didn't know if the school would allow two people from its paper into the interview, so I called the PR department, which was in charge of the booking, and told them my paper -- two hours away -- wanted to send me to write a story on Lopez, and they gladly agreed, saying it'd be great publicity for the small school in a competing college market. What they didn't know was my paper had no idea why I asked for the weekend off and knew nothing about Mr. Lopez -- or my obsession with The Bell.

I get down there on Friday night and start drinking with my friend, who clearly still wants something to do with me. After the last time we had sex, and she came back to visit me two weeks later and told me she "was late," I decided not to have sex with her again; what began as a friends-with-benefits thing turned into an obsession with me -- she asked me out about a half-dozen times and completely threw herself at me every step of the way. And I never wanted to go out with her. But we're at this party, and we're on the beer pong table. One of her friends asks me, "So you down here to see Rachel?" And she laughs and says, "Are you kidding me? He's not here to see me. Mario Lopez is in town, and he's got a thing for him." I laughed. Then I nodded in agreement. Because the truth was I wasn't there to see her at all. The idea of sex with her was nowhere on my mind (and she's ranked first on my list in terms of performance) partly because of the aforementioned information, but mainly, I just wanted to see Lopez.

Finally, the night comes. It's April 1, 2006, and I've never been so excited in my life. We go over our questions for Lopez in the afternoon, and I'm not one to script an interview. But I give in because I'm sure I'll forget everything once I see Lopez, and I was pretty much right.

We got into the green room, and he was still getting dressed, so we sat on the couch, talking amongst ourselves -- but barely, because I'm pissing myself with excitement and nervousness. And there he was, wearing a dark blue Clarion University shirt. He came out smiling and shook our hands, "Hi, I'm Mario Lopez." I actually remembered my name and offered it in response. Then we sat back on the couch and let the tape recorders fly.

We discussed his childhood, growing up in Chula Vista, Calif., how his mom enrolled him in every kind of lessons to keep him out of trouble (that's why he drummed, wrestled, played football and danced on the show), his relationships with the SBTB guys, what that reputation has done for him, his new assignments (The Bold and The Beautiful, The Other Half, ESPN Hollywood, etc.), his aspirations (he wanted to be the male Kelly Rippa because she was so versatile), among plenty of other things.

At the end of the interview, we each got a picture taken with him, and I told him I was a big fan of The Bell. He looked at me, with a small afro growing under my blue Mets hat, and said, "I could tell." As we were leaving, he asked me if I'd ask a question if the show started to drag. He said, "Sit up front, and I'll give you a nod." Gladly, I said, "OK, you got it." And Rachel and I took our seats.

I recorded the entire show, and I've still got it on my recorder. About eight minutes or so in, he looked at me and nodded. So I raised my hand and said, "So you wrestled in school, right?" He said, "Yeah, I won a state championship." (He actually placed seventh in California tournament, if I remember correctly; I researched it for the article I penned.) Then I asked, "So, you could've really taken Nedick, right?" (Nedick was Valley's top wrestler on The Bell.) He was clueless and said, "Who?" "Nedick," I said. "He's a character on Saved By The Bell. ... You ever watched that show?" He laughed pretty hard, and said, "Man, you really are a big fan." It was one of the best moments of my life. Seriously.

After the show, he signed autographs. The whole auditorium was waiting in line, and my friend didn't want to wait. But I wasn't leaving without saying goodbye to Lopez. So we cut through the mile-long line, and he stopped what he was doing to talk to us. He shook my hand and thanked me for helping him out with the show, and I said it was really my pleasure. Then I asked him to sign my Mets hat, and he did: "Mike, Best wishes. Mario Lopez." I never put the hat back on my head. I carried it out to Rachel's car and told her it was going to be retired. Two years later, it sits on my DVD shelf, right next to my television, so I'm always reminded of that night.

 

Then I won't tell you the answer. But it's a safe assumption.