Parents vs. spouses/significant others

We basically haven't talked to my mom since 2007. She instigates too much in every situation -- my brother has kids older than mine and she had been constantly negative to and about my sister-in-law. I had warned her for years to back off, but she has not been able to help herself.

When we had our daughter in 2005, my mom was originally very good. But then the comments started -- our daughter had some health issues when she was an infant and my mother suddenly decided that she was a doctor instead of a school teacher. Mostly, she was negative about my wife and I told her too back off over and over again. I was constantly told that I was unfairly taking my wife's side, that after raising me without the help of my dad (who left the family when I was 2), she was being cast aside, etc.

My mother also couldn't stand that my in-laws were around so much (she was the alpha grandmother with my niece and nephew). So everything became a rivalry with my in-laws (who had no idea that there was a rivalry) -- if they stopped by, my mother would leave, etc. Between fights, she was helpful, but way too stressful. You never knew what might set her off. And I say this not because I love her, but because it is true -- my wife had the patience of a saint in all of this.

Finally, at a Thanksgiving dinner in our new house, where my first-trimester pregnant/morning sickness-addled/only a few months removed from a miscarriage wife made the most wonderful meal for our whole extended family of 20, my mother totally ruined the occasion yelling at my wife because she wasn't happy with her seat (which she chose). I lost it, threw her out of my house and told her not to return (revealing both my wife's pregnancy and earlier miscarriage to nearly everyone). We've only seen her a few times since and I think that she's only seen my now 3 year old son a couple of times.

 

farmerj, I would tell you that if you care about your friend, tell her to run, do not walk, away from this dude toute de suite, cause that proposal ain't never coming.

 

You shouldn't judge people based on their parents, but you should judge them based on how they act around their parents.

Beware of anyone who thinks their parents walk on water to the point where nothing they could ever say or do is wrong.

 

We've been quite lucky. I get along great with my in-laws and my wife gets along well with my dad. Plus my dad and in-laws get along well. The last time I visited my in-laws, my father-in-law even let me drive his '84 Corvette Z51.
When big bro got married, our mom was still alive. Everyone got along great, except my mom. I love her and miss her, but calling her high maintenance would be a massive understatement. My dad got along great with my sister-in-law's parents and vice versa, but my mom had a hard time getting along with them and vice versa. My sister-in-law has told us multiple times she kept her maiden name because she felt there could only be one Mrs. Murphy. It wasn't much of a surprise, considering how my mom didn't get along with my dad's family at all. She was constantly yelling things like "you always preferred your mom's cooking over mine" for no apparent reason. By the time I got married my mom had passed away a couple of years earlier, so we didn't have the stress to send my dad out to the backyard swing staring into space the night before the wedding (yes, that happened before my bro's wedding).
We've also been lucky about not having too much "Where are the grandchildren?" pressure. My brother has three children which helps from my side. My in-laws would love grandchildren, but the closest thing to pressure has been my MIL reminding my wife she wants to be a hip young grandma. We would love to have children but it hasn't been in the cards. We had two foster children for about 18 months and my in-laws treated them like their own grandchildren. My dad, other the other hand, congratulated me when the children moved back to their dad's place, which irritated me a bit. Then again, he also rather proudly declared my cousin got a divorce Saturday when we had lunch with my brother's family (with the three children at the table). We think he's losing it a bit.