Parents vs. spouses/significant others

You can't be neutral. You have to side with your wife. It took me a number of years, and it's not easy, but it will benefit your primary relationship, which is that with your wife.

 

put with with mizzoo and the rest who have said: NEVER, EVER side with your parents over the mrs. EVER, NEVER!!!

if you don't yet have kids, make some babies. pronto. 'cause from the instant they are born, you and the mrs. have ALL the power.

your mom has been the family matriarch far too long. she has to share the throne now. i understand it ain't easy. tough.

your wife is the no. 1 woman in your life now. sorry, mama. i love you, appreciate all you've done and want nothing more than to have our loving relationship continue without any bumps, but you cannot win here.

respect my wife, respect our home. or prepare for the consequences.


hard to imagine any relatively sane, loving mother not responding to that message. i was blessed -- mrs. shockey's parents, both deceased now, loved me, and i them. my parents adore mrs. shockey, and she them.


so it startles me to hear in-law horror stories, though i know they're frequent. good luck.

 

They're not going to work out their differences unless both sides want that to happen. Sadly, that's probably not the case.

I was at a meal where my mom did something that undermined and pissed my wife off. My wife had cooked me a birthday meal and baked me a cake and my mom showed up with food and a cake that I had told her repeatedly not to bring. She made several comments like, "I know he told me not to bring this, but it's always been his favorite."

It doesn't sound like much but having your mom try to one-up your wife is a nightmare. After dinner, I pulled my mom outside and said, "Don't you ever pull that shit again." She said, "I don't know why you're mad." and I said, "The hell you don't. And don't ever do it again."

Three days later, flowers arrived for my wife from my mom. My stepdad (who is awesome) had sent them without telling my mom. It made things much, much easier the next time they were together.

 

Never have had in-law problems other than my MIL cannot relax and sit still, at all.

She has to be doing something all the time whether it's folding our clothes, making dinner in her home, going for a walk, planting-weeding flowers, making something for tomorrow's dinner. It's always something. She never can just sit the fuck down, have a drink and talk. Ever. Other than that, we get along decently.

After Mrs. SixToe and I were married, my stepmother asked about grandchildren every time we visited. I finally had to tell my father he needed to say something to nip it or I would. He didn't and I let her have it. Said we'd have children when we were blessed to have them, if ever, but not before we were ready or as a surprise. Since her daughter had kid out of wedlock, that seemed to get her attention.


Don't go against your wife if it's a battle with the parents. You can mend a rift with parents. The wife never will forget. Ever.

 

My mom will still harp on kids, even though we're pretty sure it isn't going to happen. I guess that's just life.

 

My in-laws? They treat me better than they treat my wife. My folks? My dad's the world's most laid-back person. My mom means well, but is, shall we say, high maintenance. I've committed the mortal southern sin of telling her to shut up on matters concerning my wife. I'm probably going to hell, but the stuff I've had to listen to seems to have abated since then.

 

About a year and a half into my marriage, I finally had to tell my mom to back off, that I wasn't 14 any more. Haven't had a problem since. Mom and wife get along great, although it probably helps that we live seven hours apart. What helps is the fact that my dad is the only father my wife has. Her dad died in 1968 when she was 12.

Me and my MIL are a different situation. A few years ago, before she moved into the nursing home, she was, quite frankly, someone nobody wanted to be around. Now, she's a lot more mellow, just living out her days. She just turned 94. Remarkable lady. Only an 8th grade education, but she worked as a short-order cook until she was well over 70.

 

There are some nuggets here:

1. Never, ever side with your mom over your wife. You married your wife and said forever.
2. Don't go Switzerland either, that's just the same as No. 1, well unless you want a divorce.

I'm lucky, my wife understands that I've been brainwashed into thinking that my mom is the end all be all and can do no wrong. To reach some middle ground, we share laughs at some things my mom and family do. It helps.

My in-laws are way over on the neurotic side whereas I'm way over on the laid-back, no biggie, side so I just choose to ignore what they say for the most part, otherwise I'll end up thinking about small insignificant things/details and I refuse to do that.

 

Y'all are making me want to go give my mother-in-law a hug.

She really pisses me off sometimes, especially when she lets my daughter get away with things when she knows better. And if she ever smokes around my kid, there will be a war. (And yes, little OOP would tell me. She doesn't keep secrets very well and she hates that grandma smokes). That said, for the most part, she's wonderful. So was my father-in-law, but he passed away about six years ago.

Mrs. OOP does complain about my mother here and there, but when push comes to shove, they actually get along very well.

The only real conflict we had was with my father, who died a few months after my wife and I got married. Now that relationship was toxic and only getting worse, but I always took her side. It was easy, though, because she was usually right. Much as I loved my father, the man offended her within a half hour the first time they met and things just went on like that from there.

I agree with the others here. You always have to take the wife's side.

 

I don't think it's as easy as "always side with A or B." It's not as black and white as that. If there is just some kind of misunderstanding/squabble, you just have to try to help sort it out. If one side is completely wrong in a situation, you can't side with them just because they are one thing or another. You just have to say, "look, you're wrong. chill out."

Fortunately, I'm apparently in the lucky group whose extended family on both sides gets along perfectly.

 

Here is one more vote for 100% taking the wife's side all the time.

My father in law is fanatastic. He left my mother in law about 10 years ago and filed for divorce from 3000 miles away. That may sound shitty but my mother in law is the type of person who called my parents (who she had never met) 3 weeks before the wedding to tell my parents she did not approve of me or the wedding, yet still showed up.

My dad and step-mother, being presented an opportunity to take the high road, instead decided to not come to the wedding for a variety of petty reasons but the call simply added to it.

I did not speak to my parents for 2 and a half years after that. I finally called them after the birth of their grand daughter and we have a relationship again although they managed to piss all over it when my did got mad over some perceived slight from my wife this past Christmas and they packed up in an hour and left before Christmas dinner (they had driven 1500 miles to our home for Christmas).

I realized long ago that I was happier and healthier without my parents in my life and do everything I can to be self aware not to act/talk/think like my father. I refuse to let his bitterness towards life affect me of my family.

Of the 4 in-laws/parents my wife's dad is so awesome that it makes up for the crap we deal with from the other 3.

 

When your wife complains about your mother, a good way to diffuse it is to say, "Look, I agree with you, but sometimes it's a little difficult to hear."

It lets your wife know that you are able to look at your mom and recognize that she has flaws.