OnTheRiver gets knocked the f--k out

Here's what happened, and I only tell you because I celebrate life's hardships as much as I celebrate its good times.

On Monday, shortly after we closed on our new house, I went to our storage unit to get some stuff out to take over to the new place. One of the first items I grabbed was a sand-and-water play table my sons enjoy immensely. Imagine two separate tables, each with four legs, one side of which can fold, cover-of-a-book style, onto the other one. It's a neat toy.

Unfortunately, half this toy -- the water half -- has accumulated water over the past year or so since we got it. Every single bit of it is heavy because, let's face it, shit with water in it can get heavy in a hurry.

So I load the toy into the truck, but then notice it's in crooked. So grabbed one of the yellow legs and pull. Each leg is about as big around as a coffee can, but twice as long. And about one-third filled with water at this point.



As I pulled, the yellow leg came out.

Somewhere, on a storage unit facility security tape -- I won't tell you which storage unit place because I don't want the tape to get out -- there is footage of me popping myself in the face full-speed with this yellow table leg.

I went down like I'd been shot.

The right side of my face has been a swollen mess ever since.

It hurts to touch it. I've been on Advil ever since. Tonight, as I write to you, the swelling has begun to recede. My hope is that by Wednesday or Wednesday night, I can appear at least half-normal.

For now, my face looks like it went 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, circa 1988.

There. I shared my humiliation.

 

Sorry to hear that, OTR.

 

Honestly? Part of me thinks it's funny as hell looking back on it.

But then I touch my face and holy shit, it STILL hurts...

 

OTR, that sounds pretty damn funny. Nearly Bugs Bunny-esque.

But congratulations on the new house!

 

Do they make a page designer version of this particular table? Can the legs be filled with something other than water, such as molten lead?

 

You are a brave man, indeed. But we've all done stupid stuff, whether we care to admit it or not.

When I was in middle school, I decided to shoot some hoops one day after class. It was March, in the mid-60's, one of those days with snow on the ground the consistency of a snow cone. Somewhere along the line I decided it'd be a good idea to throw a snowball at the basketball.

In retrospect, I'd have been better served just slamming my face into the snowball as hard as I could with my eyes open. At least then I would've been expecting it. Blinded and humiliated, I made quick retreat into the house, and have never spoken of it till now.

Your face hurts more... but we've all done dumb stuff.

 

Yes they do. There's a version specifically filled with shit -- from poloponies.

 

".......you gonna get knocked the FUCK OUT"...[berniemacinoriginalkingsofcomedy]

 

Oh man, OTR, hope the swelling goes down soon. Did you see stars when you went down like Frazier?

 

I feel bad for laughing, but you described it so well that I laughed in humor, feeling your pain. Thanks for sharing. But be honest, were you:

• Glass Joe
• Von Kaiser
• Piston Honda
• Don Flamenco
• King Hippo
• Great Tiger
• Bald Bull
• Soda Popinski

 

Mama said knock you out!

 

Hope you feel better OTR!