OK, ladies, what's your frickin problem?

I read these two back-to-back. Awesome.

 

I long wondered why women gripe about the seat if they're not observant enough to see if it's down before dropping trow and bombing the harbor. I've stopped wondering. There are some things, I'm convinced, I'm just not destined to understand. The female of the species is at the head of the list.

 

Number 1, flush the toilet.

Number 2, look before you sit. See the seat up? Put it down yourself and grab a bottle of STFU before you sit down.

 

I can't really understand why anyone would not put the seat down. Why leave it up? I put the seat and the lid down, because I've learned the lesson of dropping something in the toilet and having to fish it out.

 

Fuck this. I have to put the seat down AND flush the toilet?
Next you're going to ask me to wash my hands.

 

I always thought those wads of toilet paper were for guys to play target practice with

 

As long as you don't piss on your hands, there's no problem.

 

You just read my mind!

 

They potty trained us by trying to get us to sink cheerios, then they just decided we'd always need a target.

 

Gravity.

 

My long-time girlfriend and I dated for four years, and not once did she admit to farting; I heard two of them, and she denied the sounds came out of her ass (perhaps they were queefs ... who knows?) Anyway, all that time, I would let any bomb go whenever I felt like it -- in the morning, at night, at the park, at work, in the pool and, yes, even right after sex; boy, did she hate that. But never did she admit to making a foul odor of any sort.

Then, a week after we split up, I go to her dorm room, which had a toilet inside of it. I open the door, and she walks out of the bathroom, swinging the door open and unleashing the most potent wall of stink I've ever smelled in my life.

That really has nothing to do with this thread, I guess. But I learned something new that day: Girls poop, too.