Oh my God, food horror!

I worked, I don't know, 14 hours today without eating.

Pretty stupid, but even more stupid was my decision to hit the McDonald's all-night drive thru before I went home just before 2 a.m.. Among the things I ordered was six Chicken McNuggets.

When I bit into the McNugget, the wave of revulsion that spread me over cannot be overestimated.

What did this McNugget taste like? I'm not sure. My first thought is that it tasted like it was marinaded in Raid, with a Lysol flambe, and tough actin' Tinactin squirted on there for accent.

The crust was the stuff of nightmares. It tasted like it made from a batter that was passed around during a drunken McDonald employee circle jerk ... that took place in 2001. It tasted otherworldly, very chemical-like. I'd rather eat Soylent Green. Hell, I'd rather eat people, pre- or post-Soylent Green.

Perhaps those food technicians chain restaurants hire at their HQ's to create new product decided to play a joke on an unwary customer and decided to produce a McNugget that replicated Grimace poop.

I don't know if it was spoiled or not ripe enough. Who can tell with fast food shit? This chicken, if it ever was a chicken, must have been the biggest whore on the farm. When I say whore, I mean a leathered up, bound-and-gagged latexed bitch-poultry engaged in some master-slave action with the outwardly meek, yet privately domineering rooster on the farm with a cleaning fetish, because that meat tasted like it was the bastard son of Swiffer and the Red Balloon.



Poo-let: What Bubbler's Chicken McNugget sort of tasted like. The kid is cute though, no?

That's assuming it was chicken at all. For all I know, I was eating an old school Mitchell & Ness rat from Upton Sinclair's The Jungle collection. Also available in dog, cat, nutria, possum, horse and Italian.

Had I known this McNugget would have tasted like McHorseShit, I might as well have gone all the way with it. Perhaps some Sweet and Sour Mark Mangino Ballsweat Sauce to go with it?

I immediately spat out this demonic fast food and threw it out. I don't even want my dog eating that shit, isn't that how Alien 3 got started?

It doesn't help that I've had off-and-on stomach flu for the past two weeks. I'm getting ancillary cramping in my stomach just thinking about what it is I put in my mouth. I'm going to go curl up in a ball and try to vomit so I can improve the aftertaste in my mouth.

Blech!

 

Wow. That's overly dramatic in a Jessica Spano "I'm so exciteedd.... I'm soo excited, I'M SO...... SCAAAAAAARED!" kinda way.

Small doses. And dip in the hot mustard.

 

Oh my god. I'm trying to keep from laughing so I don't wake everyone.

And Bubs, there ain't no telling how long they sat out. The shelf life on those was something like 35 minutes when I worked there.

 

I didn't think anything could really cheer me up tonight (See NFL Week 16 thread) but damn Bubbler you made me laugh ... HARD!

Sorry your McNugget tasted like McAss.

 

McGriddle girl is sad.

 

Ron Nugnutt was never the same after that Primeaux goal.

 

Hmmmm. The wife took our 10-year-old to McDonald's on Saturday afternoon after dance class.

About 6 p.m., I'm at work and the phone rings.

"Your daughter just threw up all over the dining room," the wife said. "Three times."

(Yeah, she's only mine when something like that happens or she gets smart her mother.)

Over the next hour, two similar calls. More vomiting. Followed by vomiting's sorry cousin at the other end.

At first, I thought she just officially joined the sickness club that has been our house this month. The wife spent half of November coughing, then finally went to the doctor and found out she had bronchitis that had morphed into pneumonia. A week ago, I finally started to get the upper respiratory symptoms and by Thursday, I was coughing like my old man after a couple cartons of Raleighs.

Now, the princess is making like the pie-eating contest in "Stand By Me," but it never occured to me that it might be those damn McNuggets until I read Bubbler's fast-food horror story.

She was wide awake when I got home at 2:30 a.m.

"I can't sleep, Dad," she said. "What if I throw up again?"

So we went to the kitchen and I tried to get her to drink some water. Twenty minutes later, same deal. Up and out.

After a while, she asks for a popcicle. Oh, we had some buried in the freezer, but they'd been buried deeper than a Lousiana congressman's bribe. Freezer burn had set in long ago. So off to Giant Eagle I went at 4 a.m.

She tried a grape popsicle at 4:30 and kept it down. Then most of another at 6 before she finally fell asleep. Almost four hours and no vomiting. Victory.

Could be some kind of stomach flu, but what if it was Mickey D's? The wife takes her there twice a week, at least. McNuggets are one of the four basic food groups for them.

Maybe I should let them read Bubbler's story.

 

Didn't you ever see "Fight Club"?

Who the fuck knows what kids today are doing to our "food."

 

I try not think about that.

 

I got so ill from my last trip to McDonald's over a year ago that I will never eat there again.

That doesn't include McFlurries, though. Those still rule.

 

You do realize this is the most contradictory post in the history of the board, right?

 

The next time you call someone stupid, BYH, this board will implode.