Now that's what I call BYH

No, you suck, fucker.

 

I only count four decent songs on here. The rest is dreck.

 

Care to share yours with the class?

 

I saw one, maybe two. Pile O'Crap.

 

My count is 12.

Oh wait, that's just the songs I've actually heard.

 

Ox-ee-mor-on!
(clap-clap-clapclapclap)
Ox-ee-mor-on!
(clap-clap-clapclapclap)

 

When I SEEEE IJAG smile!

I can face the world!

Ohhh-ohhh, you know I can do anything!

 

I can see her. Dark hair shinin' in the sun...





wait...

 

1. Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison - rockin'
2. Faithfully - Journey - eh
4. Love Bites - Def Leppard - not bad
5. Is This Love - Whitesnake - eh
6. Never - Heart - never heard it
7. Flame, The - Cheap Trick - eh
8. When I See You Smile - Bad English - eh
9. Sister Christian - Night Ranger - we all know about this one.
10. Search Is Over, The - Survivor - never heard it
11. When I'm With You - Sheriff - good song. "Baybay-ay-aaaay...ay-ayyyyy"
12. Still Loving You - Scorpions - never heard it
13. Fly To The Angels - Slaughter - never heard it
14. More Than Words - Extreme - decent
15. Amanda - Boston - decent
16. Love Song - Tesla - rockin'
17. Heaven - Warrant - rockin'
18. Silent Lucidity - Queensryche - alright

and finally...

3. I Don't Want To Miss A Thing - Aerosmith

 

I hate most of you so very, very much.

I actually do agree that this is an uninspired list. Every one of these songs was overplayed in its prime and can still be heard 17 times an hour on any '80s station, satellite or terrestrial.

That said, it's only fair I rank them! And since fantasy baseball is on everyone's mind this side of spnited, I'll rank them in tiers.

TIER ONE: MUST-GETS
If you've managed your money well enough pre-draft, you can acquire three or more of these songs and sit back and relax as your team heads for the promised land

Faithfully, Journey: Simply the greatest prom song ever, as well as the greatest on-the-road-and-I-need-to-shave-my-mustache song ever. There has never been a better power ballad than this. It's going to cost you but it is the premium song at its position. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Pedro Martinez circa 1999 in an AL-only league.

The Search Is Over, Survivor: Impressive, comeback-capping smash by a band whose best days were once thought to be long behind it. Such a good song that it's almost worth dumping your wife/significant other, just so that you can try to woo her back with this ditty. Tandem this song with another ace and you'll be rockin. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Curt Schilling.

When I'm With You, Sheriff: A late-bloomer (the song was actually released in 1985 or 1986 and collected dust until some DJ in Arizona started spinning it...a DJ is someone whom radio stations used to hire to select and play music, before Clear Channel bought every station on the planet and foisted John Tesh's show upon the unsuspecting masses every night from 7-midnight), this song provides maximum power (check out the final howl by the singer, a noise that can only be heard by dogs and hair metal fans) at a minimum cost. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Carlos Pena circa 2007.

Silent Lucidity, Queensryche: While the rest of the morans smoke copious amounts of pot to try and figure out what in the holy fuck Pink Floyd is singing about, hang back in the shadows and pay a fraction of the price for a far better and younger soundalike that does not write pretentious, hackneyed shit that pretends to be much deeper than it really is. [/hi Junkie!] Fantasy baseball equivalent: Joakim Soria.

Love Song, Tesla: Another smart pickup of a savvy, underrated band. Once again, let someone else pay for the big name on a staff while you poach the no. 2 guy, who is actually far better and more reliable than the no. 1. The guitar solo here may be the best of any '80s power ballad. It's the solo Neal Schon wishes he wrote. Fantasy baseball equivalent: James Shields.

Still Loving You, Scorpions: The veteran that everyone overlooks b/c this has to be the year he falls apart. THE SCORPIONS ARE TIMELESS!!! THEY NEVER FALL APART!!! They get more ass at 60 than, uhh, any other German heavy metal band. Steady and reliable, Still Loving You is Still Getting You Laid. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Ichiro Suzuki.

TIER TWO: THE NECESSITIES
Every championship team needs grinders...guys who make up for their lack of sizzle with plenty of steak. God that sounds lame.

The Flame, Cheap Trick: Not even among Cheap Trick's top 10 songs. The band, even 21 years ago, had seen better days, and was clearly in this just for the paycheck at this point. But even in mercenary mode you can see flickers of the HOF peak. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Ivan Rodriguez.

Sister Christian, Night Ranger: To hear "Sister Christian" 73 times a day is to think of the staff workhorse who just goes out there start after start after start. You get tired of seeing him after a while, even though he plays for your favorite team. While he's successful, you kinda wish he'd change it up a little bit, try something different, because you know he's got some other good stuff in there. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Jamie Moyer.

Fly To The Angels, Slaughter: Oft-maligned and oft-overlooked band crafts one of the better power ballads of the era. Sometimes, the hungry players do prove their critics wrong, even if it's for only a short time. Still, get this player at the right time and you're in good shape. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Tony Phillips.

More Than Words, Extreme: Another oft-malinged and oft-overlooked band, but one that had authentic, difference-making talent. It was just mismanaged and underutilized by record company execs who didn't have a fucking clue how to market a hair metal band with chops and talent. Too bad. Could have been an All-Star, instead, they're just playing the independent leagues. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Jonny Gomes.

TIER THREE: PURSUE AT YOUR OWN RISK
There's some potential here, but beware: The results almost certainly won't match the hype, and overspending here could ruin your season.

When I See You Smile, Bad English: Sure, this song went to no. 1 in the blink of an eye in fall 1989, and sure, the debut album had multiple hits. But the chemistry was never there in this supergroup, as evidenced by the fact the band broke up even before its second album hit the charts. Fantasy baseball equivalent: The Yankees' rotation.

Amanda, Boston: Another giant no. 1 hit by a band with serious chemistry issues. Tom Scholz was Axl Rose when Axl was getting the shit beaten out of him in Indiana. Spent years fiddling with this album and managed to create the hit that Axl didn't with "Chinese Democracy," but still, there's only so many times you can play the tortured artist before everyone realizes you're completely full of shit and you really have no idea at all what you're doing. Fantasy baseball equivalent: The Athletics' rotation.

Heaven, Warrant: Like a fast-moving prospect, Warrant hit no. 2 with its second single and had dozens of mullet-sporting dweebs in the northeast touting the band as the next big thing. But sometimes, the first burst is as good as it gets, and there is no second burst. Or if there is, it's called "Cherry Pie." Fantasy baseball equivalent: Sean Burroughs.

Never, Heart: This isn't a power ballad! But maybe the execs see something in the band that nobody else does. Maybe it can't rock out anymore. Maybe Ann Wilson has the yips every time she tries singing "Barracuda." So it's worth it to shift "Never" to power ballads, even though the odds of a Rick Ankiel-esque transformation are slim at best. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Brooks Kieschnick...or Adam Loewen.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Poison: Beware of paying high prices for what may be a fluke metamorphsis. Before this earnest, heartfelt, well-written ballad, Poison was best-known for writing odes to sloppy teenage sex. Then, all of a sudden, they thought they were the U2 of hair metal. Not so much. "Native Tongue" is a fucking abortion. Fantasy equivalent: Kevin Youkilis.

Is This Love, Whitesnake: Beware of paying for an aging band's career year. Whitesnake hit no. 1 with "Here I Go Again" and no. 2 with "Is This Love"...and never came close to such heights again. Tread very carefully. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Chuck Finley Billy Taylor circa 1998. Or DeWayne Buice circa 1987. BUY UPPER DECK!!!

Love Bites, Def Leppard: Beware of paying for a band that hits no. 1 after being around forever. "Love Bites" was the fifth single off "Hysteria." Not very likely that there'll be a long peak after that. You have been warned. Check their birth certificates. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Miguel Tejada.

TIER FOUR: IF YOU DRAFT THIS GUY YOU WILL FUCKING LOSE
There is no reason at all to have this player on your roster. None at all. When someone throws him out for bidding, keep your laughter to yourself until the player has been auctioned off. Then, mock his owner incessantly and ask him if he'd like to pay the league with a check or via PayPal. Only losers draft this guy. You are not a loser.

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, Aerosmith: You know what I love about this? IT'S TEN YEARS OLDER THAN EVERY OTHER SONG ON THE COLLECTION!!! How did this fucking hit no. 1 in 1998? Schmaltz was long dead, replaced by self-aware and self-loathing irony. Yet this relic of the late '80s shot to the top straight from the soundtrack of a summer popcorn flick. PLAY GHOSTBUSTERS!!! Could you get any more dated than that? This song sucks so much, it's like the audio equivalent of Sammy Khalifa and Rafael Belliard having a baby. Nothing has ever sucked this much. Ever. Anyone who pays to hear 1988 in 1998 deserves what he gets: Last. Fucking. Place. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Andruw Jones.

 

BYH re-captures the old magic. Fantasy baseball equivalent: Brad Lidge.

 

BYH, I'll see you at the casino when the Scorpions play there. Still kickin' ass!

To use your fantasy baseball analogy, here's one more:

TIER FIVE: MINOR LEAGUERS (didn't even make the team)
"To Be With You" -- Mr. Big.
I think I saw these guys as an opening act at least three times in the early 90s. Their earnest strumming and heartsick yodeling did wonders for beer sales before the headliner came out.