No advice necessary, but it's welcome

Few days ago, we had a thread on here that gave a link to a story about a guy who was caught with a video camera in his shower and he was secretly videotaping his female roomies. As much as I wanted to laugh and respond to that thread, it hit a little too close to home. (I’m not saying we need to monitor what gets posted by any means … I certainly wasn’t offended) Story time:

Lived in the same state all my 20-some years … moved a lot (think 7 times in 10 years) and no, I’m not in a military family (should be mentioned I have a soon-to-be 12-year-old brother. Folks moved a couple years ago for a job opportunity my dad found, even with so many people around him saying it was a bad idea. Six months later, it flopped. They moved again about eight months ago to a reasonably large Southern city (we’ll call it Podunk) because they found more and better job opportunities that pertained to my dad’s education and, until my folks got their feet under them, they could stay with my mom’s friend (we’ll call her Laura – and think best friends), a divorced mother of two (13-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter). I wasn’t real keen on the idea of moving my brother into another school system (third in 2.5 years), but this seemed more reasonable than the first move.

Lived there six weeks and my dad still hadn’t found a job. Laura came in one night, dad on the computer, and said, “You get a job or you’re out.” He found something, and something good. Around the same time, my mom finds transcripts to a few IM sessions between my dad and another woman -- more or less an emotional affair. She confronts my dad. He says he doesn’t have a problem, says he can stop anytime. It’s a laptop used by everyone in the family … so while she was “snooping,” it was still a laptop she uses and she wondered why he also turned the laptop so no one could see. At Podunk, he also said he was job hunting on the Web. The laptop screen hiding stopped for a while, then it started again. Mom found more transcripts, some referencing her and that he got a new email address and she wouldn’t find this one. Confronted him again. Slap on the wrist-type bullshit.

About that time, my dad’s diagnosed with pancreatic cancer – or so we were told. After some tests and surgery to remove the mass, doctors determined it wasn’t cancerous. Great news, relieving news. That was last fall.

About a month ago, everyone is watching a video tape of a band competition involving Laura’s son – three kids in the room. Video cuts out, goes to a shot of the master bathroom with Laura getting ready for a shower. Laura jumps up real quick, seeing what was going on and pulled the tape out. First thought it was the kids trying to be funny, but after taking the tape to the bedroom to see more, realized it was done too well to be one of the kids. The clothing was too perfect around the camera and the angle was too perfect for it to be kids.

Ask my dad why he did it, all he could say: “I thought I deleted it.” …. WTF!?!?!

<cont.>

 

Re: No advice necessary

Shocked, Laura and mom can’t do anything about it that night. The next day, they tell him he has to be out before the kids get home from school. He complies. For a few weeks, my mom kept finding reasons to call him and see him and kept making references of getting back together with him to Laura. My mom says this is the first time my dad has admitted he has a problem. I contend, as well as Laura and my grandmother, that he knows what to say to get my mom back in his life and that he won’t change his ways. He’s said as much since moving out to mutual family friends, that he’s not sure he even wants to give up the IM sessions specifically.

Over the last 9-10 months, Laura and my parents had made decisions with the house/cars to make things easier for all. With an 11-year-old daughter in her house, Laura feels like she can’t let my dad back in to live (and I can’t blame her one bit). However, this leaves her in a bad position when my mom starts talking about leaving. In addition to this, Larua’s son has decided to move in with his dad this summer, leaving a three-bedroom house for Laura and her daughter if my mom moves out with my brother and back in with my dad. Last week Laura told my mom she was going to put the house on the market and find an apartment. Two thoughts behind that: 1) It was Laura’s way of pushing my dad to making a change, because he had given no indication that he was making that move despite saying all the right things. 2) IMO, you gotta take care of No. 1 and children first.

A week later, my mom moved back in with my dad.

Other little tidbits: My mom learned a couple weeks ago she likely needs a hysterectomy. There’s a mass on her uterus and today they learned there’s one on her liver. They don’t think either are cancerous, but … until they test it, who knows. She wants my dad at the hospital for surgery. Laura, my aunt and my grandmother have all said they won’t be there if he’s there. I can’t say I WANT to be there if he’s there.

Laura, my grandmother, my aunt and myself are all of the same opinion: My mom was disgusted with my dad for a while, then she felt like she couldn’t live without him – that she’d be too lonely without him – and wanted to go back. Of course, she knew she couldn’t without everyone disapproving of the decision. When Laura told her she was putting the house up for sale this summer, that made it easy to go back. It gave my mom and excuse to go back and someone else to blame.

I haven’t talked to my mom in 10 days. It’s not like we talk daily, but 10 days is excessive for us. That last time we talked, I called her to ask where she was because Laura and my grandmother hadn’t seen her for a few hours and didn’t know where she was. They couldn’t get a hold of her. I called, found out she was OK, explained why I was calling and it pissed her off. We then discussed my father and how by her wanting him at the hospital, she’s saying “screw you” to everyone else. She said it’s her life, she’ll make her own decisions. I’ve also heard my dad has said it’s their decision and it only affects them, to which I say, “Bullshit.”

---------------------------

On one hand, I don’t want anything to do with them right now. On the other hand, they are my parents. And then there’s my brother, who’s gonna be 12 in April. Quite frankly, his demeanor is the type that is described about those kids that shoot up their school in a fit of rage. He was an in-family adoption at infancy (my aunt was 15 when she had him). My parents struggled to have children after me, and they wanted him to grow up around family. He knows, my parents were very forthcoming with the information.

I guess I’m not really asking anything, but I needed to put the story down somewhere. If you’ve made it this far … thanks.

 

Re: No advice necessary

Wow. That's just insane.

I'm sorry about the entire situation.

yes, your father has a problem, but I can understand your mother not wanting to leave him permanently, esp. since she's sick.

Any chance you or your grandmother could take your brother for a while. Until things straighten out with your parents?

 

Re: No advice necessary

Thanks for sharing. That is one thing I enjoy about this board, it gives people an outlet they might not normally have.
Are you old enough to take your brother in?

 

Re: No advice necessary

My grandmother or me taking my brother in probably isn't an option because my mom firmly believes he needs his dad in his life. Since grandma and I live 5 hours away (and we feel the way we do about my dad), I just can't believe that would be an option.

Agreed, Angola. Nice to have a place to do this, anonymously.

 

Re: No advice necessary

AFN, there is no doubt you are in a tough spot. Your mother is not thinking clearly, nor thinking what is in the best interest for your brother. She has a blind spot regarding your father, and nothing you, or your grandmother or Laura says is going to change that. She has to wake up and see it for herself. The best thing you can do is be supportive -- and that isn't always easy.
You have to be there as much as possible for your brother. Talk to him. Email him, text him, IM him. But keep in contact with him and let him know that you understand and that your father's actions are not the way a man is supposed to act. Let him talk and listen to what your brother says. He needs a rational adult right now. If you are worried about his socialization in school, take it upon yourself to talk to the school administration. If you can't do it in person, make a phone call. Most school officials are trained to deal with all sorts of teen situations and will listen to what you have to say -- and keep it confidential.
And remember, we're always here for you to lean on. Good luck and keep us updated.

 

Re: No advice necessary

That's the motherly figure/advice I've needed through this.
Laura's like an aunt/second mom to me, but she's too close to the whole thing.
She has kept me updated about this whole thing when my mom hasn't been forthcoming with some key details. For the most part though, my mom has kept me informed.

Re. my brother: I'll call him tonight.

One more thing about my grandmother or me taking in my brother: Either of us would be willing to do it.

Thanks, all.

 

Re: No advice necessary

wow. since you don't want advice i won't give any, but you must be strong to deal with all this shit.

 

Re: No advice necessary

I'll clarify: Advice isn't necessary, but it is welcome.

Strong? I feel like I'm running away from it by not talking to my dad in a month and not talking to my mom in 11 days. Of course, I expect my parents to move again within the next six months to run away from the problem as well.

 

Re: No advice necessary

Grandma called to say my mom got my brother a cell phone, specifically for when she's in the hospital.

Just read my orignal posts; sorry for the mess and confusion that it is. For those that made it through, you truly are saints. It also dawned on me that I failed to mention my mother has had suicidal thoughts for at least five years, as far as I know.

She told me about it 4-6 weeks ago and said the only reason she hasn't is because of my brother and me.

 

Re: No advice necessary

Since neither your mother nor father are making clear decisions at this point, I think you have the responsibility of getting them back on track, if you will.

Take them out for a cup of coffee. (Since I don't know how old you are, I'm going to say this) Put on your adult hat for a while -- because it seems like you're a responsible young man/woman. In my opinion, you should STRONGLY suggest your mother and father enter some type of professional marriage counseling, whether it be a minister or a straight-up counselor. If he and your mother are ever going to be happy, he has to stop with the IMs and re-earn your mother's trust. That's the only way I see that your younger brother has much of a chance. If they're too worried about their relationship, they're not going to worry much about his development. And if he's already sort-of at-risk, somethig needs to happen quickly, or he's going to fall into the wrong stuff, i.e., drugs, etc.

To recap: You, mom, dad -- cup of coffee -- strongly recommend counseling, professional-grade counseling -- they're marriage and your younger brother's future rides on it.

You seem like a strong young person. You can handle it. Trust me. Just remember: what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

Edit to add: You've taken the first step by coming here.

Now, move out, soldier.

 

Re: No advice necessary

Wow, that is really fucked up.
Peace be with you, friend.