New office policies?

Got this in an e-mail from my friend this morning. Can't say it's all that farfetched for most newspapers nowadays.

Plus, it takes something good to make me smile at 7:15 a.m.

MEMO: NEW OFFICE POLICIES EFFECTIVE Immediately....

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

 

IJAG: Thanks for this. I will be posting this at the office tonight.

 

That's good. Course, plenty of people I know would be willing and rushing to hang out in the bathroom just to smile for the cameras so they could get special treatment under the mental health policy, like delicious medicine or time away for special counseling or ... hell, sounds pretty good. Maybe *I'll* try that today.

 

Thanks for the smile IJAG. Something I really needed first thing in the morning.

 

That, or they just like people taking pictures of their junk.

 

I've seen this in lots of places.

Surprised Sam Zell hasn't already implemented it.

 

Or Zell?

 

Right. Him.

 

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

 

If you don't shape up and become the mindless drone we hired you to be, we'll ship you out and hire another pathetic looser star employee bootstrapper for The Berkshire Beacon.

 

I saw this and immediately thought....."Sweet! I can dress like a hobo!"