New entry for worst film of all time

Merry Christmas!!

 

Oh, fudge!

 

Ironically, you'll want to shoot your own eyes out if you watch this movie.

 

This is a joke, right? I mean, someone made that as a parody. Even as a direct-to-home-video release, how does this get green-lighted? Someone figured out a way to get this dreck financed, yet newspapers can't figure out how to make money on the web. The sky has fallen.

"Fra-gee-lay ... must be Italian!"

 

It's a clinker!

 

After watching that festuring pile, I wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as I know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

 

A crummy sequel? Son of a bitch.

I hope that was the producer's paycheck the old man was feeding to the furnace.

 

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Ralphie looks like a goddamn pervert. Just a pervert. He sort of reminds me of Brandon Routh, but a perverted version. The dyed hair is just ridiculous. Just perverted Dateline shit. I wouldn't let that kid near a computer with an Internet connection unless I was conducting a sting operation.

Daniel Stern (I think that's who that was) can suck a candy cane dick smeared in reindeer shit for agreeing to be in that appalling film and officially ruining Christmas. Jesus Christ. There had to be at least a few Home Alone or City Slickers porn scripts that held more appeal. No one ever pitched City Slickers: The Legend of Curly's Hole?

I'm so angry at what I just saw. How did this happen? Who allowed this to happen? How do we pass an amendment? Can the death penalty be applied in film atrocity cases?

And most importantly, who is that incredibly creepy man portraying a teenaged Ralphie? And just how many lists is he registered on?

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

 

Whoever greenlighted this deserves to be eaten alive by the Bumpus hounds.

 

Meet Braeden Lemasters. Let's talk about his IMDB bio for a second:

Braeden was born in Warren, Ohio to Dave and Michelle Lemasters. You're a professional actor, and your parents and shitty Ohio hometown make the first sentence of your bio? Holy fuck, get a new agent. Or do something worthwhile and not straight to DVD/Blu-ray.

He and his family then moved to Santa Clarita where they now reside. *Writes note to self: "Never bring children to Santa Clarita, Calf."*

He started acting at the age of 9 where he starred in Six Feet Under as Frankie. Oooh, an HBO series. How edgy. Serious hipster cred. Except that I went to Wikipedia, and you weren't one of the 40 cast members listed. Nice part, asshat.

Lemasters got various roles in different shows and commercials throughout the years. Commercial credits include a Preparation-H endorsement, To Catch a Predator and Nair.

He now reoccurs on the series, "Men of a Certain Age" as Romano's character's son, Albert. I'm guessing he played a big role in the show's cancellation, if not its episodes.

In 2009 he started a band called the Feaver with actor Dylan Minnette. They're just waiting for that pop breakthrough. Any day now.

He knows how to play many instruments such as the guitar, bass guitar, drums, piano, ukulele, mandolin, and harmonica. This reads like one of those sympathetic portraits of a serial killer.

Braeden is the Singer/Lead Guitarist for the Feaver. It's capitalized because it's important. Braeden Lemasters: Kind of a Big Deal.

Fuck Braeden Lemasters and fuck this movie.

 

I want the George C. Scott treatment for this.

 

I didn't like the first one. And why mention it's the "official sequel" when it's clearly one of those sequels that is just a shot-for-shot retelling of the original? Kinda like Ghostbusters II. Same plot, different character names for the secondaries.

And what's wrong with Brandon Routh? He did well enough as Superman. Not his fault it was a shitty script.