Need opinions of parents.....

Zag, you know best what will get through to your son. If that means keeping him home, do it. To hell with the coaches and other parents. You've got that part absolutely right.

Maybe taking away his cell and imposing the "in-home study hall" is a viable alternative, but do it with the additional threat that if this ever happens again, soccer is going to be the thing to go. You could make it very clear that the only reason he is being allowed to play in the tournament is because he made a commitment to that team and you want to see him keep it. Just another thought, kind of along the lines of what YankeeFan wrote earlier.

 

Zag with a smart kid? Sounds like he should be casting a suspicious eye upon any intelligent guys in the neighborhood.

 

You're not accountable to the team, but he is. And part of that accountability is meeting his other responsibilities (school work) to make sure he's eligible to play. In this case, you are the standard setter on eligibility. As a parent, I'd rather he learn the lesson of accountability because he missed a soccer tournament when he was 14 than learn it because he couldn't graduate on time or because he lost a job when he's 23.

 

That's what I'm thinking too. The kid is getting good grades, but doesn't want to do the homework. It could be that he is loaded down with busywork where he's not learning a thing. Schools tend to do that frequently.

I'd talk with the teacher about seeing if he could get more challenging work. Sometimes less is more.

As far as playing goes, if you made it clear about play for grades, then bench him. Otherwise, give him a stern warning this time for next game.

 

Sit him. His grades are more important, period. That should get the message through his thick skull.

My daughter wanted to go out for the school gymnastics team this year as a freshman. She previously had been in travel gymnastics. Well, when she gets home she takes a nap. I wake her up when I get home and make dinner. She then does homework (she's got some advanced classes) until 11 p.m. or later.

Funny, but if she'd start her homework when she got home, she wouldn't have to stay up late - and I would have let her go out for the team. Of course, it doesn't help that the team practices from 5:30 to 7:30, which breaks up any homework momentum.

She's mad at me. Tough shit.

 

Instead of playing on Saturday, I'd probably have him make up every assignment he'd missed, thus far.

 

You're making the right call, Zag. If he misses a youth sports tournament, it's not the end of the world -- especially if he gets the message that he can't coast on homework, no matter how smart he is.

Your point about the teacher is spot-on, also.

My wife and I got a similar reaction when we asked our son's teacher about his problems with math, and if there were any drills or practice she could recommend (he was in fourth grade, now is in fifth).

She also wishes more parents would take the pro-active route, rather than: What are you (the teacher) doing wrong that's causing my kid to get bad grades!

 

I might have missed it, but how old is the boy?

As far as missing the tournament, did he know this was a possible consequence of messing up in school? I like to fire a warning shot: I'll talk your teacher every Friday, and if you've missed any homework, you're not playing this weekend. Then you have a clear-cut rule, it's out of your hands, no judgment call. The kid has complete control over the outcome. Miss an assignment, you don't play. Period.

I've tried the cellphone removal punishment; it was a bigger punishment to me than to the kids. Landline rang off the hook all night (and the callers always hang up if a grownup answers), I was calling other kids' phones to find mine, they couldn't call me to tell me where they were. Not worth it.

I did suspend texting for a month, that was effective.

 

Yeah, I think it is important that he clearly understood "eff up in school and no games" as opposed to a vague "an activity will be taken away."

Make it absolutely clear -- improvement now, lying stops now, or soccer stops. No third chance. Even if it's the youth soccer super bowl.

But I am a big believer in a second chance. He screwed up; he's a kid.

 

My 15-year-old daughter is a very, very good viola player -- one of the best in the state, say those who judge such things. She is in a county-wide orchestra that plays a big concert every May in our city's Performing Arts Center, which is a first-class facility. She played there two years ago in eighth grade, and it was all she talked about for the next year -- moving up to the next level and playing at the PAC with the high-school kids.

Last May, she didn't play. She had the same story as Zag's kid -- missing assignments, making up stories, getting B's where she should have had A's and C's where she should have had B's. (Math isn't her thing, for instance).

Her teacher had to sit in for her in the concert, and our kid was heartbroken and embarrassed. So were we, frankly. But talking (2nd quarter) didn't work, and threatening (3rd quarter) didn't work. So we had to follow through.

So far this year, she's hit every assignment and making the grades she should be making. We'll see her at the PAC in May.

One of the things teenagers have to learn is that their missteps not only affect them -- they can hurt things for others, too. It'll leave the team or the band or the orchestra a person short, but the lesson learned long-term is more important than that one day.

 

We talked to all our kid's teachers, and to a person, all of them said she could turn in the missing assignments and get half-credit. We said she'd turn in all the assignments and take a zero for each one. The teachers were certainly surprised at that reaction. "That's the difference between an A and a B," said one. And yeah, it's more important for her to feel the sting of that B then get an A that wasn't earned.

 

Zag,

Not sure if having him sit out is the right punishment or not. He needs to have something done to get his attention but not sure what was in place.

I do know that if I was considering not letting him go to a tournament, I would not have talked to the coaches first and gotten their input -- unless they were responsible for making sure he did his schoolwork.

You need to get his attention, and you also need to find out if he is just being lazy or if there is some reason he is not turning in his work.