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Need advice: How do you deal with wife's affair, divorce?

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by not_who_i_usually_am, Aug 7, 2009.

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  1. bagelchick

    bagelchick Active Member

    I might have worded it a little differently, but agree with this.
     
  2. Philosopher

    Philosopher Member

    I went through the exact same situation as you a little over two years ago. I found out my wife was cheating on me (with multiple men) and I divorced her and had to start anew. For the first time in my life, things weren't turning out as I had planned. It was hard to come to grips with, and it took time to work through all of the issues arising out of it, but ultimately everything that happened was for the best.

    So while it was very painful, I've moved on now and I don't even think about what happened any more. I have a wonderful girlfriend who is a much better person than my wife was, and I love my life much more than I did when I was married to that awful woman. I know that you will end up on your feet too. So don't look at this as an end ... look at it as a new beginning.

    That's my first suggestion to you. Think of how lucky you are. You (like me) don't have any kids. You're still young, even younger than I was. You have your whole life ahead of you, and can move on and start anew and forget all of this happened. It's hard now, but over time you'll be able to get some perspective on this.

    I agree with everyone else--in the long-term, you should stop talking to your wife. But in the short term, you have a divorce to work out. The next person you should talk to is not your wife, it's a divorce attorney. You need to talk to the attorney about your financial situation and see if there's anything you can do to put yourself in a better situation for the divorce. (For instance, if you're making more money than her, stop getting your paycheck direct deposited into your joint bank account.)

    You also need to talk to your parents, and if you feel you need it, a counselor. What you're going through is tough, and there's nothing wrong with the hurt you feel. Don't try to bottle it up inside or pretend that there's nothing wrong. While you're living together (I assume you guys can't afford to live outside your joint home right now), get out of the house as much as possible and spend time with your parents or whatever other friends/confidants you have. Or just alone, away from her, so you can think and work through stuff without her around.

    For right now, stay on good terms with your wife. You're most likely better off working out a divorce settlement with her than you would be if you went to court. Your attorney will advise you on that. Tell her that it will cut down on costs, that's it's very popular now, and say that you guys can just talk among yourselves and the lawyer can write it up. In reality, the lawyer will only represent one of you (you, not her!) and you usually can get a better deal because she won't have her own lawyer. She'll probably feel so guilty about cheating that she'll go along with it. Mine did, although I had to play nice with her until the divorce was finalized. I ended up with far more than I would have if we went to court.

    As soon as the divorce is finalized, minimize all contact with your wife. Don't extract any revenge on her--it won't make you feel better, although at times you'll wish you had. My wife kept emailing and texting me, and I just told her that I was too hurt to talk to her, and that maybe sometime in the future we could talk again. I had to do that, because the only way to move past her was to not talk to her, to put her in my past. It was the right move, and I'd recommend that you do the same. As soon as you can, find your own place to live (or move in with your parents), and get anything that reminds you of her out of your house. I like your idea of moving to a new town ... I had moved to a new city just prior to discovering her cheating, and it helped that the place I was living in didn't invoke a lot of memories of our marriage.

    One thing to remember--you will find someone better than your wife. I guarantee it. Right now, in your mind your wife is still this woman you love, and you feel rejected by her. I know--I felt the same way. But I guarantee you that you'll find someone way better. Men have more options as they get older, while women don't. (Unfair, but true.) After I got divorced, I slept with women that wouldn't have looked at me five or ten years prior, and I ended up with a girlfriend who is way better than my wife ever was. My ex-wife was hot, but she lacked a lot of other qualities. Remember, your wife is by definition a liar, deceiver, and betrayer. You can do way better than that, and what you're going through is a valuable lesson that will help you make a much better choice next time around.

    But don't get into a serious relationship with anyone else for a while. Take any future relationships slow. I just casually dated tons of different women for a year or so. Sleeping with all those women made me feel better, because having my wife cheat on me made me feel like there was something wrong with me. (Just being honest.) Obviously I'm not recommending that you do what I did, but my point is not to rush into anything serious. Even after all of that dating, I still had trouble when I started dating seriously again. I've taken my relationship with my current girlfriend very slow, and I'm lucky she's been patient and understanding. It was hard at first.

    The most important piece of advice I have is to look at today as the first day of the rest of your life. You're a young guy and you have virtually limitless options. What career do you want to pursue? Where do you want to live? Just pick a direction and head in it. It will make it easier to put your past behind you if you have a great future to look forward to. Thank God that you discovered the mistake you made (marrying this bad person) when you did, before you had kids or had too many years invested in it. Now you can move forward to something way better.

    I hope this was helpful, even if I rambled a bit.

    P.S. I feel bad that you don't have any close friends to talk to. If you want to talk to me, PM me and I'll give you a call.
     
  3. Philosopher

    Philosopher Member

    That was exactly my reaction, when my wife cheated on me. I told her I wanted to complete the divorce that week, and if it wasn't done I was throwing her out of my condo. Since I was the breadwinner, I figured that having nowhere to go (but to the loser sack-of-shit men she was fucking) would quickly get a divorce completed and get her out of my life.

    My divorce lawyers told me I was nuts. She could get a lawyer and file a restraining order against me, since she co-owned the condo with me. The judge would order me to let her live there and to give her money throughout the divorce, and then dick me over in the divorce proceedings. They told me I was best off playing nice until the divorce was finalized. It ended up taking a month, which they said was the quickest divorce they had ever handled.

    Still took too long for my tastes. It was hard living with that whore for a month.
     
  4. txsportsscribe

    txsportsscribe Active Member

    i'm with those who say she needs to find somewhere else to stay during this, not you.
     
  5. 21

    21 Well-Known Member

    You can't 'throw' someone out if they co-own/lease the house. Infidelity doesn't void a real estate title.
     
  6. fishwrapper

    fishwrapper Active Member

    This is an outstanding, thought-provoking and thoughtful post.
     
  7. Boom_70

    Boom_70 Well-Known Member

    Son go forth and live your life. You're a young man with a full life in front of you. Sure it hurts but now you're a free agent. Enjoy it. You get a do over. Take advantage of it.

    Right now you hold all the cards. Don't negate that advantage by doing something that a judge would not view as favorable such as kicking her out of house. Listen to your lawyer
     
  8. kokane_muthashed

    kokane_muthashed Active Member

    My bit of advice, if you seriously want a divorce, you take the first step, don't wait for her to file. When my ex and I split, I let her take care of that shit. She dragged her feet and it took 7 months to go through. A part of me (the bitter part) is convinced she waited just so she could get more outta my 401k in the settlement.
     
  9. albert77

    albert77 Well-Known Member

    It would be awfully hard for me to not let the school district in on what's going on with two of their teachers. You know, kind of anonymously send the superintendent an e-mail with a compromising photo attached.
     
  10. Boom_70

    Boom_70 Well-Known Member

    Maybe poindexter could take care of that.
     
  11. Batman

    Batman Well-Known Member

    Don't cover tennis.
     
  12. Cadet

    Cadet Guest

    I echo the "kick her out" and "don't talk to her" and "don't call the other wife" comments.

    But two more thoughts: First, go get yourself tested for STDs. You're dealing with two cheating liars here, you never know how many women that guy has cheated with prior to your wife. I know it will suck to go to the doctor and have it done, but just think of it as one more piece-of-mind thing you can have right now.

    Second, it won't be necessary for you to "out" their relationship to the tennis program or the school. The tennis kids already know, I guarantee it. Word will get around among the parents, other teachers and eventually to the administration, if they don't already know.

    I'm sorry this happened, but things will get better. Listen to Philosopher.
     
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