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Need advice: How do you deal with wife's affair, divorce?

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by not_who_i_usually_am, Aug 7, 2009.

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  1. Regular poster here, using his alter-ego. I know what follows isn't exactly what this site is made for, but I've also been here long enough to realize there are people here who have been through what I'm facing and I know that as a group, SJers tend to be fairly intelligent, so I welcome your thoughts.

    Anyway, I'm sure there are plenty of divorced people here and I wanted some advice. I'll be going through one in the coming weeks (no kids, thankfully), and wanted to get any advice fellow sports journalists have in getting on with life and dealing with the feelings you have for your soon-to-be ex.

    She and I are both 26. I caught her having an affair last week, and we're finished. But as I fight the sadness that comes with this and take stock of my life, I struggle to see where to go from here. Most of my life's plans closely involved her (kids, vacations, even simple dinner plans, etc). Now those are all gone. Literally all of my friends I've met through her and are closer to her -- they're gone too. I quite literally mean that I only have a few friends, and they're more acquaintances than anything, to turn to right now outside my parents. Wife and I will have to sell our house, because neither of us alone can afford it. I can live with my parents nearby, but I hate to do that for long because I don't enjoy it and feel like a guest there. So while I've got a place to live, it's not my home, if that makes sense. Plus I'm strongly considering quitting my job, because I hate to stay in this town with all the memories, and because I mostly dislike it anyway. But I need an income and insurance at this point, so I guess I'm leaning toward staying as I try to find something else.

    Then there's wife. I bounce between loving her still and hating her a dozen times a day. I'm trying to stay positive and become a better man through this (I plan to start attending church regularly for the first time since childhood), but there are so many times where all I want to do is rip on her to whoever's nearby. She says she's sorry for how she hurt me, and wishes she'd done things differently, but she's pursuing a relationship with the other man now and says she no longer loves me. Her family knows of the affair, but the affair was with a married, father-of-two co-worker (they're both HS teachers, and co-coaches of the girls tennis team, which starts next week) and I've had to fight myself not to tell the principal and all their mutual friends what's going on. That's because the only reason I would tell them at this point is pure vengence, and like I said, I'm trying to stay above that. But my emotions have been on a bit of a roller coaster recently, and I just don't know if I can stay above it on one of those down points. His wife knows of the affair because I called her and told her, not out of vengence toward him, but because if someone could have told me a month or however long ago, I would have wanted to know and I felt I owed it to her to tell. I have no idea what their situation is now -- whether they're divorcing too, or trying to stay together. I tried calling the guy's wife yesterday, but she didn't answer and didn't return my call. Can't say I blame her, but I thought maybe we could help each other through this somewhat since we're in basically the same situation. My wife and I still talk regularly, but I'm trying to cut that off (haven't spoken to her since Wed.) because it's usually pretty painful and because frankly, I just need to get on without her. Out of sight, out of mind, ya know?

    I know that's a lot, but I'll take any advice, especially from anyone who's been through something similar.
  2. Songbird

    Songbird Well-Known Member

    She no longer loves you.

    This is going to hurt like hell, man.

    But you will survive.

    And you will bounce back.

    Oh, and you did nothing wrong, so you can hang your hat on the honor you brought to the marriage as a devoted husband.
  3. 21

    21 Well-Known Member

    No personal experience with this, but have watched many friends--male and female--go through it.

    Not that you want your wife back, but she may end up back on your doorstep. Married fathers don't leave that quickly, especially when their affairs are discovered by accident.

    I would not call his wife again. She has enough of her own problems right now....you're not really in the same situation, she has kids to worry about. Whole different deal.

    Very sad for you...it sounds very raw right now. Don't make any decisions, let things sink in and settle down.

    Good luck.
  4. finishthehat

    finishthehat Active Member

    You're 26? You've got most of your life left to live.

    Go live it.
  5. Armchair_QB

    Armchair_QB Well-Known Member

    Do not, under any circumstances, take her back.
  6. Hank_Scorpio

    Hank_Scorpio Active Member

    Well said, hat.

    Take a vacation, sans wife, maybe a cruise. Or just something to get away for a week or two.

    Question: who's living in the house right now? Or are you both living there and trying to avoid each other?

    And like 21 said, your wife may come slinking back when her lover doesn't want to leave his wife. Don't take her back. She cheated once, she'll cheat again.
  7. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    I know this hurts but I would just be really glad you don't have kids. Since you say you are planning to attend church regularly, you can consider that a true blessing.

    You are really young, you will get over this and are lucky that it can be a clean break.

    Best of luck. Sorry.
  8. She's living there, mostly. I am to understand that on some nights, she sleeps at her parents' house nearby but on others, she sleeps at our house. I haven't slept there since I found out about the affair because that bed is forever tainted to me, and I have only stopped by for an hour or so at a time (while she's gone) to grab some of my belongings.

    And it's easy to say 'Don't take her back.' But I'd be lying if I said there's no way I would. At least right now. If I'm able to pick myself up and move on, and in, say, six months she tries to come back, certainly it would be easier to say no than if I'm still in more or less the state I'm in right now.

    And, BTW, I love that the ads on this thread are for dating services and divorce. Gotta love those ad bots.
  9. Madhavok

    Madhavok Active Member

    She cheated. She should be out of the house and tip toeing around, not you. Sleep on the couch if the bed isn't going to work.
  10. Songbird

    Songbird Well-Known Member

    She needs to be gone. Then burn the bed and buy a new one.
  11. Oggiedoggie

    Oggiedoggie Well-Known Member

    I went through sort of the same situation 20 or so years ago.

    The differences were that I was able to keep the house and I still liked the job I had, then. Also my wife didn't have one solid affair, but tended to like several guys. Word got back to me, and it was over. No children, just a dog we jerked each over around for a little while.

    Depending on your state laws, you might want to divorce for cause. That can make the break a bit more clean. But, in some states, it becomes a hassle and it's better to file a no fault divorce.

    Attorneys don't come cheap and it's going to take a little time to go through the process.

    Don't call the co-cheater's wife. That's just going to complicate life for you and her.

    My marriage was short, only 18 or so months. I bounced back pretty quickly and lived in that town for another five or so years. Life does go on.

    But, you say you don't have that many friends not connected to your marriage, don't like your job and feel like a guest in your parents' house where you'll probably be living. My little bit of unsolicited advice would be to chase life while you still can: You'll be free.
  12. Armchair_QB

    Armchair_QB Well-Known Member

    Yeah, you need to throw her out. Tell her she can sleep at her fuckbuddy's house.
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