My turn: cheer me up

This time it's me and you have Stumble around looking for funny things to make me laugh. I've been sick at home for the last two days and tonight I've been messaging with The One That Got Away.

So here's your turn. Cheer me up. Please.

 

Here you go with something that makes me happy.
A little something from my home shopping network.
Elf Hotels

 

Nice stuff.

One response out of 20 views ... making my night a little bit worse. I know I'm no IJAG.

 

Shep loves you.

 

Canada (kind of) rocks!

 

How do you get an Oilers fan off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

 

If you had said The Trews, Trey, you would have won me over.

AQB, that made me snort.


Thanks, boys.

 

Balls.

 

Clover? What clover? I'm not eating any clovers.


I ain't takin no stinkin bath!

 

In honor of the Irish around here,

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora! ' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr.
Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
Very Practical, the Irish...